Coming Home
by SVUlover14
Summary: Alex has been missing for three weeks. When the team finally finds her, it's up to Olivia to repair the damage that's been done. A/O CHAPTER 20 IS UP! Review for more!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: The whole SVU gang belongs to Dick Wolf.**

**Warning for mature subject matter. Proceed at your own discretion.**

Olivia flung the cellar door open and gasped at the sight that awaited her. The room itself looked something like a medieval torture chamber, but that wasn't the most important thing right now. Her priority was Alex, her true love, as it always had been.

Alex had been missing for three weeks now, and the squad had been working tirelessly to find her ever since. Olivia hadn't slept since Alex had went missing, channelling every iota of energy into bringing her Alex home. This was their first solid lead, phoned in by an anonymous caller, informing SVU of a human trafficking ring operating a few miles out of the city. They'd made the bust, called in EMS for the few women they'd found, arrested the men, but there had been no sign of Alex. This was her last hope.

Her eyes swept the dank room. It was dark, and she shined her flashlight around for a few moments, but she couldn't see anything of value to Alex's case. It was all she could do not to fall to her knees in hopeless agony. If Alex wasn't still here, she could be halfway across the world right now, and they might never know.

Olivia froze when she heard a quiet whimper. It seemed to be coming from the other end of the room. She filed through her mind, trying to discern what it was. An animal maybe? But when the sound came again, it was definitely human, and she held her breath, shining her flashlight in the general direction of the sound. She held her gun up in her other hand and followed the noise, and her heart skipped a beat when she saw Alex.

"Elliot, I got her!" she called out to her partner, and she could hear his and Fin's footsteps clambering down the stairs.

Olivia could see the welts and bruises in various stages of healing that littered Alex's skin, but her gaze didn't linger on them. That would come later, when her love was safe and sound at home, in her arms.

Alex was chained to the wall and trembling, a metal collar buckled around her neck. Her arms were tied behind her back, a sensory deprivation earmuffs fitted around her head, and she was blindfolded and gagged. Her cheeks were wet with tears and Olivia's heart went out to her poor Alex. She'd been through so much, and Olivia hadn't been there for her as she'd promised she always would be.

Alex tensed when Olivia started to untie her hands. She began to cry, but stayed perfectly still, and Olivia had to fight her own tears. "Shh, Alex, it's just me. It's Olivia. You're safe." Then she realized Alex couldn't hear her.

She made quick work of the earmuffs, the gag, the collar, and untied Alex's hands. She unchained her, and then as Alex's shuddering increased, she remembered the blindfold.

"Sweetheart, it's me," she whispered as she gently removed Alex's blindfold. "It's Olivia. I'm here. You're okay."

Alex's frightened blue eyes flickered up to meet Olivia's as soon as the blindfold was off, and she started to cry even harder when she realized that it was really Olivia, that she was really going to be free of the pain she'd lived with for what seemed like forever. She tried to smile, and she opened her mouth to say Olivia's name, but no sound came out.

Olivia took off her jacket and wrapped it around Alex, then folded her girlfriend into her arms, relaxing at the familiar weight. Alex fit so perfectly against her, and she was happy to hold Alex forever and never let go, to shelter her from whatever pain could befall her outside of Olivia's warm embrace.

She stroked Alex's hair, murmuring soothing words as Elliot and Fin ran in with their guns drawn. Alex immediately tensed again, and Olivia kissed the crown of her head, hugging Alex tighter. "It's okay, princess. It's just Elliot and Fin. You're safe now. I've got you. No one's ever going to hurt you again." She could feel the raised welts covering Alex's skin as she held her girlfriend to her, but she chose not to focus on them right now. Alex was safe now, and that was all that mattered.

Fin was securing the area, making sure Olivia hadn't missed anything, but Elliot walked over to the two women and knelt down beside them. "Hi, Alex," he said quietly, but she began to shake even more and clung tighter to Olivia, burying her face in her girlfriend's neck.

Elliot glanced at Olivia. "EMS is outside. Should I have them come in?"

Olivia shook her head, easily lifting Alex and cradling her like she was a baby. "It's okay. I've got her." She kissed Alex's forehead as she carried her up the stairs and out to the ambulance, murmuring, "It's okay, Alex. I'm here. You're safe. You were so, so brave, baby."

Alex screamed as an EMT tried to lift her onto a stretcher, covering her face with her hands as her body convulsed.

Olivia glared at the EMT, who was really just a kid and didn't know better. Even though it was protocol, she knew what was best for her Alex, and she didn't want anyone else touching her overwhelmed girlfriend right now. No one knew how much she'd been hurt, and Olivia didn't want anyone to traumatize her further by touching her when she didn't want to be touched. "Sweetie, I'm going to ride with you in the ambulance, okay? We need to go to the hospital and get you looked at."

Alex nodded, but her grip on Olivia tightened, and the detective carried Alex into the ambulance and sat her on her lap. It wasn't the way things were supposed to be done, but Olivia figured they could fire her later. Right now, her only thought was for Alex, and minimizing the potential trauma that would come out of this experience.

She brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead and gave her a gentle kiss. "I love you," she said quietly; each word a precious diamond, something Alex could hold on to even through this pain.

Alex looked up at Olivia, and this time she really did smile, finally, at her girlfriend. "Olivia," she whispered, the words hoarse and weak.

Olivia hugged Alex, wanting to keep her as close as possible, wanting to never let her go. "Yeah, baby?"

"I love you, too."

**Review for chapter two!**


	2. Chapter 2

Alex lay silent and still in the hospital bed, and Olivia sat beside her, clasping her hand tightly. Alex hadn't responded when Olivia had asked whether she wanted something to drink or if she needed to go to the washroom, and it was the deadened look in her eyes that frightened Olivia most, as if her girlfriend was actively dissociating. As if she didn't feel safe with Olivia, as if she didn't know that Olivia would protect her above all else.

Of course she couldn't know that, because Olivia hadn't.

Olivia climbed onto the bed beside Alex as they waited for a doctor to come in. Olivia understood that Alex wasn't the doctors' priority; they first had to tend to the dying and the dead, but it still angered her, although she knew it shouldn't. She took Alex into her arms as the blonde trembled, and gently caressed Alex's cheek. "It's okay," she said for what seemed like the thousandth time. "You're safe now, baby. I'm here."

"It hurts," Alex whimpered, her baby blues darting up to meet Olivia's eyes.

The detective's heart clenched. "I know it does, baby. They're going to give you something for the pain." They'd better, or she would kill those damned doctors herself.

"Olivia – I – I –" She swallowed hard. "Did you see?" she finally asked.

Olivia had no idea what Alex was talking about, but she shook her head, assuming that was what Alex wanted her to do.

Alex buried her head in her hands and squirmed away from Olivia, teetering precariously at the edge of the bed and trembling. "I'm not – he made me – they –"

She bolted upright when the door opened and a doctor entered. She was shivering so hard it was a wonder she hadn't fallen onto the floor, and Olivia pulled her back toward her so that she wouldn't. Alex flinched, and Olivia pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of her head and glared at the doctor as he began to introduce himself. "Ms. Cabot, I'm Dr. Robichaud. I –"

"She needs a female doctor," snapped Olivia, hugging Alex tightly, not even dreaming the doctor would defy her.

He nodded. "Of course. I'm sorry." And he left.

Olivia gently rubbed Alex's back. "It's okay, baby. He's gone. No one's going to hurt you. I'm here. I'll take care of you, princess, I promise."

Alex curled into Olivia. "Liv, I – he – I saw – they killed those women, Liv, right in front of me!"

Olivia's heart constricted, and she felt as if she might be sick. Her poor Alex. "It wasn't your fault, baby. There was nothing you could have done. Your survival was the most important thing, and you did. You were really, really brave, Alex, and I'm proud of you."

Alex bit her lip. "You didn't – you didn't see – he – they – I don't know –"

She fell silent when another doctor entered the room, a woman this time. Alex still tensed and moved closer to Olivia, but she clearly wasn't as afraid as before.

"Detective Benson, Ms. Cabot." The doctor nodded to each of them. "I'm Dr. Macready." She perched on the edge of Alex's bed. "How are you feeling, Ms. Cabot?"

Olivia rolled her eyes and bit back the _How do you __think__ she's feeling_? that threatened to escape. "She needs pain medication," she said instead. "Morphine. I want you to get her an IV."

Alex vehemently shook her head. "No needles," she whispered. "Please."

"Baby, I know you don't like needles, but that's the most effective way."

"We can't give her morphine yet, Detective. You know that," said Dr. Macready. "We need a rape kit."

_Right_. Olivia had forgotten about that. She knew Alex wasn't going to be big on another invasion of her privacy, of her body, of her very _being_, but this time Olivia would be there for her as she hadn't been before. She would make sure nothing bad happened to her Alex.

When she saw the absolute terror in Alex's eyes, she was quick to soothe her girlfriend. "Alex, I know you don't want a rape kit. Believe me, I don't want you to have one either. But it's the only way to put the men who did this to you behind bars, and to make sure you're safe. And baby, I'm going to be right here with you. You can hold my hand the entire time. I won't let you go."

Alex finally nodded. "Okay," she said softly, then rested her head in the crook of Olivia's neck for just a moment. "Liv?"

"Yeah, sweetie?"

"I thought of you," she whispered, and Olivia's heart clenched when she realized what Alex meant.

She threaded her fingers through Alex's hair and held her close. "Oh, baby. I thought of _you_. Every minute of every day."

Alex smiled weakly and grasped Olivia's hand as tightly as she could.

The doctor stood beside Alex's hospital bed. "Ms. Cabot, I need you to sit up. I'm going to take a fingernail scraping."

Alex shook her head and buried her head in Olivia's shoulder.

Olivia sighed and gently rubbed Alex's back. "Princess, I know you don't want to, but Dr. Macready needs to look under your fingernails. I promise it won't hurt. I'll keep holding you if you like, but you need to let her take the fingernail scraping."

Alex reluctantly pulled her hands out, and Olivia gasped when she saw Alex's fingernails – or lack thereof. They'd been ripped off and her fingers were a scabby mess, caked with dried blood. How hadn't she seen this before?

She'd been too focussed on holding Alex close, on comforting her and making her feel safe once more, on soothing herself with her Alex's presence to inspect her girlfriend's body. She'd figured that it wasn't her place to scrutinize Alex's body and make her feel even more exposed and humiliated than she already was. It was Alex's choice whether or not she wanted to show Olivia her injuries, the physical evidence of her pain, and if she was honest with herself, Olivia would be more than happy if Alex decided against it.

Alex tucked her hands behind her back and lowered her eyes in shame, but Olivia stopped her. She gently took Alex's wrists and brought them to her lips, kissing each finger. "They'll grow back, baby," she murmured. She couldn't let on how upset, how _angry, _she was. She had to be strong for her Alex.

**Review for chapter three!**


	3. Chapter 3

Dr. Macready took a deep breath. "Ms. Cabot, I'm going to lift your clothes so I can swab between your legs. It won't hurt."

Ales slowly nodded, but as the doctor started to lift her hospital johnny, Alex's eyes widened and she shrieked, beginning to thrash in Olivia's arms. "No, no, no!" she whimpered. "Stop, please! Don't touch me."

Olivia squeezed Alex's hand, knowing instinctively that touching her in any other way would set her off again. "Alex, it's just me. You're okay. Nobody's going to hurt you." She kept the soothing pressure on Alex's hand, waiting for Alex to calm before saying, "Alex, I'm just going to lift your shirt. I won't hurt you. I won't touch you if you don't want me to. Dr. Macready and I are just going to look, okay?"

Alex hugged herself and shook her head. "It hurts," she said weakly.

"I know it does, baby. We just need to see." Alex hesitated, and she continued, "We won't touch you, honey. I'm just going to lift your shirt."

Alex began to cry, but obediently lifted her arms so Olivia could slide off her shirt.

She couldn't stop the gasp that escaped when she saw the marks, cuts and welts and bruises and burns marring Alex's fair skin. How hadn't she seen this before? She'd been irritating the injuries when she'd been holding Alex. Her poor baby.

Cigarette burns littered Alex's breasts and marked each of her nipples. Welts covered her entire body, and bruises trailed up and down her arms and stomach, from being grabbed, kicked, and more.

"Ms. Cabot," said Dr. Macready. "I need to feel your ribs to make sure nothing's broken. I won't hurt you, but I need to check."

"You can hold my hand, princess. Squeeze it really tight, okay?" said Olivia.

Alex finally nodded, and squeezed Olivia's hand as tightly as she could while Dr. Macready checked for broken ribs.

"You're doing so well, baby. You're being really brave," Olivia soothed her

Finally, the doctor stood up and turned to Olivia. "She has three broken ribs," she said in an undertone.

Olivia's eyes widened in horror. She must have hurt Alex so much, just lifting her, holding her, hugging her! "What can I do?"

"Just be careful with her. They'll heal on their own if you give them time."

Olivia turned back to Alex, her eyes full of pain. Alex was curled up in a ball and whimpering, and all Olivia wanted to do was hug her, but she knew that might hurt her further. She would have to be careful.

Dr. Macready reached out to touch Alex again, and Alex screamed, rolling onto her side as more tears streaked down her cheeks. "No," she begged. "Please, no. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts!"

Olivia glared at Dr. Macready and reached out to take Alex's hand again. "Alex needs to rest, Dr. Macready. I think we're done."

"She needs a –"

"We've got the man who did this to her. It doesn't matter." She knew she was violating every single rule of being an SVU detective, but she couldn't stand to see Alex being violated any further. She would do whatever it took to lessen Alex's trauma, and her girlfriend wasn't in any shape to proceed right now.

She ignored the nagging voice in the back of her mind that said that no victim ever was. Alex was different. She wasn't just any victim – she was Olivia's girlfriend, and that put her in a class of her own.

"I want you to give her some morphine, and a sedative. She needs to rest."

"Detective, don't tell me how to do my job."

"Doctor, don't prevent me from doing mine. My job is to keep her safe and comfortable. She needs morphine and a sedative."

As the doctor left to obey, Olivia hesitantly slid closer to Alex, but didn't touch her. "Alex, the doctor's going to clean your cuts to make sure they don't get infected, and she's going to give you some morphine and something to help you sleep. I know you don't like needles, but you're going to feel much better afterward. I can hold you if you want me to, or I can just hold your hand, or whatever you want. Just tell me what I can do."

The doctor didn't return, but a nurse came back in her place. Alex squeezed Olivia's hand as the nurse, who'd introduced herself as Diana, put in the IV. She handed Alex two pills and a cup of water, but Alex's hands were shaking, and the water spilled.

Olivia took the cup and held it up to Alex's lips. "Drink, baby," she urged, and handed Alex the pills. "They're sedatives. You need to rest, Alex. They won't hurt you."

Alex put the pills in her mouth and took another sip of water to wash them down.

Olivia put the cup on the table beside the bed and gently stroked Alex's hair. "Good girl. You're being so strong. I'm proud of you. I love you."

Alex flinched as Diana began to apply antiseptic to her welts. She tried to struggle, but Olivia covered Alex's hand with her own.

"It's okay. She's just cleaning your cuts so they don't get infected. You'll feel better after, baby."

Alex's grip began to relax, although she tensed each time Diana touched one of her wounds.

"How long will it take for the sedative to kick in?" she said in an undertone to Diana.

"Twenty to thirty minutes."

Olivia closed her eyes. "Can't she have a stronger one?"

Diana shook her head. "Not with the morphine. We don't want her to start depending on the drugs."

Olivia took a deep breath and nodded, continuing to soothe Alex. "I know it hurts, baby. You're being so brave. Just a little longer." She managed a small smile. "I'm going to take care of you, Alex. Don't worry."

"Alex," said Diana, after what seemed like an eternity but what couldn't have been more than ten or fifteen minutes. "I need to put some cream on your breasts now, so they'll heal. It's going to hurt a little bit, but then it's going to feel better."

Alex was really only halfway conscious, and didn't reply, but when she felt Diana's gentle hand on her breast, she cringed and started to toss and turn again, lashing out and kicking her legs in terror.

"It's okay, Alex. We don't want your breasts to get infected. The cream will make them feel better, and they'll heal like they're supposed to."

Alex shook her head, mumbling incoherently as she continued to thrash.

Olivia turned to Diana. "Can I do it?"

The nurse was hesitant, but she finally nodded. "Do you know how?"

Olivia nodded. She would be gentle, treating Alex with utmost tenderness, as she deserved. As Olivia always had.

**Review for chapter four!**


	4. Chapter 4

"Alex," she said calmly. "I'm going to do it for you. You can hold my other hand, and you can tell me if I'm hurting you. I'll try not to, but it may sting a little bit." She hoped that the sedatives would kick in soon; she really didn't want Alex awake for this, but she didn't want to have to ask the nurse to give Alex a stronger dose of sedatives. They had enough to worry about without Alex potentially overdosing on too many pills at once.

When Alex nodded, she gently lowered her hand so it was resting on Alex's breast. She didn't move her hand, just let it stay there for a moment to get Alex used to the feeling and help her relax into the touch. She flinched, but bit her lip and didn't pull away.

"Good girl." Olivia started to rub the cream on her breast. Alex flinched every time Olivia lifted her hand, but she kept eye contact with Olivia and didn't cry out.

Olivia was focussed, concentrating on minimizing the pain for the woman she loved. She rubbed in the cream as tenderly as she could, and though Alex bit her lip harder at the pain, she didn't say a word. Olivia could see the sedatives starting to work as Alex's eyes glazed over, and she kissed Alex's forehead as her girlfriend drifted off to a drug-induced sleep.

Olivia finished up with Alex's breast and moved to the other one, trying to keep her face impassive, trying not to show how the burns covering her love's nipples pained her. How could someone do this to her poor baby? How could someone hurt her Alex like this? And Alex had been so brave, so strong. Olivia vowed that she would never let anyone hurt Alex ever again.

She hoped there wouldn't be any scars, but understood that this would take a minor miracle. Still, she didn't want Alex to have to live with a reminder of what she'd been through.

She finished and turned to Diana, who was watching her carefully. "Can you go get a doctor and see if we can do a rape kit while she's sleeping? I can help her."

Diana nodded and left the room to get a doctor. She introduced herself as Dr. Stoll, and sat down beside Olivia. "You don't have to stay, Detective. I know it's been a long day."

Olivia shook her head. "I'm not leaving her side."

Dr. Stoll smiled. "She's lucky to have a girlfriend as devoted as you are, Detective."

Olivia ran a hand through Alex's hair. "I love her," she whispered, more to herself than anything.

The doctor gave her another sad smile and glanced at Alex before turning back to Olivia. "She knows."

Olivia caressed Alex's cheek, more for her own comfort than for her girlfriend's. "I love you," she murmured. She set her jaw. "I can – I'll help."

Dr. Stoll nodded, and Olivia gently took down Alex's panties, biting back her gasp when she saw the cuts and even welts between her Alex's legs. The cuts trailed inside her most private areas, and they made Olivia want to throw up, or kill the men who had inflicted them upon her poor Alex.

"What happened to you, baby?" she whispered, resting her cheek on the crown of Alex's head. Her baby was in so much pain, and Olivia didn't know how to help her.

"Detective." Olivia looked up, and Dr. Stoll said gently, "It was probably a belt, even a whip."

Olivia buried her head in her hands. "Those bastards _burned _her, between her legs! They whipped her. How _could_ they?"

"Detective Benson, we've both seen the worst of humanity in our lines of work. Can we really say for certain why any of them do what they do?"

Olivia shook her head. To her horror, she found tears rushing to her eyes, and she furiously blinked them back. She had to get through this, for Alex.

As she looked at Alex once more, she saw the piercing between Alex's legs, a tiny ring. Olivia swallowed the bile rising in her throat and turned to Dr. Stoll. "Check to make sure that it isn't infected." She gestured to the piercing, and her voice cracked. "They probably didn't sterilize it first." She needed to bark out orders like this, or else she feared she would break.

The doctor confirmed that yes, it was infected, and they would need to remove the ring.

"Will it hurt her?" whispered Olivia.

"Not a bit," Dr. Stoll assured her, but Olivia understood that it meant, _Not _now_, but it will hurt her later_.

The doctor showed Olivia how to clean the area, and said that it would heal over time, and just to be patient and that Alex should abstain from sexual activity until it did. As if Alex was going to _want _to be touched. As if Olivia would touch her if she didn't.

Dr. Stoll took swabs, blood, and saliva. Olivia held Alex's hand the whole time. Alex was asleep, but she knew it was what Alex would want.

The doctor photographed the welts and burns and cuts and bruises. They looked like electrical burns, and that horrified Olivia even more. Dr. Stoll showed her how each mark would need to be cleaned, three times a day with antiseptic, and different cream for the burns. Then they turned Alex over to do the anal swab and photograph the rest of her injuries.

Olivia couldn't stop the tears when Dr. Stoll confirmed her fears; that Alex had been violently raped, with objects as well, and anally penetrated too, probably more than once, one time with something made of metal and one time with something made of wood. The doctor retrieved several splinters from Alex's anal cavity.

"Do you need a moment?" asked Dr. Stoll quietly, but Olivia shook her head and sniffled, trying in vain to stop crying.

She gently turned Alex over so that she was lying on her back again and kissed her girlfriend's forehead. "I love you, baby," she repeated, over and over, until the words became a litany; blending into one long word that she hoped Alex would take to heart even in her drug-induced oblivion.

**Review for chapter five!**


	5. Chapter 5

When Dr. Stoll finally left and Olivia was alone with her pain and fear for Alex, she climbed back onto the bed and took her girlfriend into her arms, being careful not to injure her any further. "I'm so sorry, baby," she whispered, and gave Alex another kiss. "You are so beautiful."

She called Elliot, so she could ask him to bring them some clothes, and something of comfort, although she couldn't imagine what could possibly comfort Alex now.

"How's she doing?" Elliot asked.

"She's asleep," said Olivia, glancing at the delicate blonde in her arms. She looked so peaceful in sleep, so beautiful that Olivia's breath caught in her throat. "Elliot, can I ask you a favour?"

"Anything."

She managed a smile, although he couldn't see her, so it made no difference. "Could you go to the apartment and bring her –" Then she faltered. What could possibly bring Alex comfort at a time like this? "Clothes," she finally said. "There's a loose white blouse in the closet. Oh, and bring her one of my NYPD sweatshirts too. Grab a pair of sweatpants. Um, there's a doll on our bed, I think. She's had it since she was a baby; I think it'll help. Will you bring that for her?"

"Of course, Liv."

"Thanks." She was lucky to have a partner like him, who loved her like a sister and treated Alex like a princess, as Olivia expected him to.

She figured Elliot wouldn't arrive for an hour at least, so she finally allowed herself to relax. With her Alex safe and sound, curled into her warm embrace, Olivia finally allowed herself to drift off to sleep. If she was to continue to be Alex's protector, she would need to keep her strength up.

* * *

She woke up to find Alex trembling in her arms,, and a wet spot on the mattress. She winced when she realized that Alex had wet the bed, and gently shook her awake, trying to remember how long the sedatives would last. Four hours, maybe?

Alex started awake, dried tracks of tears on her cheeks, her frail body still shaking. "No," she whimpered, scooting to the edge of the bed as more tears streamed down her face. "No, please, no. No!"

Olivia caught Alex's eye without physically touching her. "Sweetheart, it's just me. It's Olivia. It's okay. No one's going to hurt you."

Alex shook her head, rocking back and forth as she cried.

Olivia covered one of Alex's hands with her own. "Alex, you're safe. You're in the hospital, with me. I won't let anyone hurt you, okay?"

Alex's baby blues finally darted up to meet Olivia's chocolate eyes. She visibly relaxed when she recognized Olivia. "I – I'm sorry," she murmured, burying her head in her hands.

"Sweetie, I'm going to have a nurse come in and change the sheets," said Olivia calmly. Elliot would be here with new clothes in a few minutes, so it wouldn't really matter much. She wanted to Alex to have a bath, but it would disturb the bandages on her body.

Alex started to cry again when she realized that she'd wet the bed. "I'm sorry," she repeated, over and over. "I didn't mean to!"

"I know, baby. It's okay. I'll get the nurse."

"No! Don't leave me."

"I'm not, honey. I'll leave the door open, okay? You'll be able to see me. I'm not going anywhere."

Alex finally nodded, and Olivia flagged down a nurse, who came in to change Alex's sheets.

Olivia helped Alex to her feet, but her knees buckled and Olivia caught her before she hit the ground. She hefted Alex into her arms and carried her to the chair beside the bed. She sat down and set Alex down on her lap. "Sweetie, I'm going to wash your thighs for you," she said calmly. "I won't hurt you. I'm just going to clean you up a bit."

More tears rushed to Alex's eyes. "I don't want you to look at me," she whispered.

Olivia bit her lip, realizing that Alex wouldn't appreciate the fact that she'd been examined while she was asleep, that it would feel like another violation, that she hadn't been given permission to touch Alex and it would upset her if she realized that someone had touched her anyway. "Honey," she finally said. "We had to finish up the rape kit, while you were sleeping."

The colour drained from Alex's face. "You – you _saw_?"

Olivia's heart wrenched. "Yeah, baby, I did."

"N-no!" whimpered Alex, rocking back and forth again. "No!"

"Alex, we took it out. We had to."

Alex froze.

"Does it hurt, baby?"

"No." Alex let the word out on a half-sob. "I can't f-feel any-anything!"

Olivia tried not to show Alex her concern. "Okay, honey, I think it's just the morphine, but I'm going to have Dr. Stoll look at it for you, okay?"

Alex shook her head. "I don't want –"

"I know you don't, princess, but someone has to look at it. I'll stay with you the whole time if you like. I'll hold your hand, and I won't let go." She traced Alex's cheekbone and said, slowly and deliberately, enunciating every syllable, "You are beautiful."

"Not anymore," said Alex quietly.

"Yeah, baby, you are. You _are _beautiful. What they did to you wasn't your fault."

"You kn-know?"

Olivia nodded. "I know that they hurt you a lot, and I want you to know that you didn't deserve any of that."

Alex started crying again. "They put a bell on it, between my legs. Like cattle."

Olivia's heart broke for her poor Alex. "Oh, baby," was all she could say.

Alex curled into Olivia's embrace and didn't say anything, allowing Olivia to soothe her physically, stroking her hair and planting intermittent kisses on her forehead. Olivia took a washcloth and gently washed her thighs, and Alex winced when the water came into contact with the bruises and welts between her legs. Olivia was trying to be gentle, but every touch hurt, disturbing the marks on her thighs.

"Baby, I'm going to get Dr. Stoll. I'll be right back."

Alex's eyes followed her as she walked to the door and returned with Dr. Stoll. Olivia helped Alex back to the freshly changed bed and sat down beside her again.

"Ms. Cabot," said the doctor. "I'm going to look between your legs, okay?"

Alex squeezed Olivia's hand, but she finally nodded.

Dr. Stoll gave her a smile and gently eased her legs open.

Alex closed her eyes and leaned back against Olivia. "Hold me," she whispered, and Olivia was happy to oblige.

Alex flinched every few seconds as Dr. Stoll touched her, examining the damage again, and Olivia was quick to soothe her girlfriend. "It's okay," she repeated, over and over. "You're being so brave, Alex."

Finally, the doctor stood up and turned to Olivia. "It's just the morphine," she said in an undertone. "There's no nerve damage. These injuries will heal in time if you just keep them clean and don't irritate them."

Olivia nodded and gave Alex a smile. "We're all done. You were really brave, baby. I'm so proud of you."

Alex rested her head in the crook of Olivia's neck. "I'm tired," she murmured.

"I know, sweetie. Right now, though, I need you to stay awake for just a few more minutes. Elliot's going to bring you a change of clothes, and then you can go back to sleep."

Alex whimpered. "I don't – I don't want him to – to see me like this."

Olivia sighed and kissed the crown of Alex's head. She didn't know what to say to that.

**Review for chapter six!**


	6. Chapter 6

A few moments later, there was a knock at the door. Alex tensed in Olivia's arms, and the detective gently rubbed her back, being careful not to irritate Alex's injuries. "It's okay," she said. "It's just Elliot."

Sure enough, Elliot called, "It's me. Can I come in?"

"Yeah," Olivia called back.

Elliot came into the room, bearing clothes for both women as well as Alex's doll. She froze when she saw Elliot, but smiled when she saw the doll and held out her arms. Elliot handed it to her, and Alex buried her face in her doll's hair.

Olivia smiled at her. "I think you like that doll better than you like me."

"Aw, Liv's feeling jealous," teased Elliot. "Of a _doll_."

Alex didn't raise her head, but her shoulders had started to tremble and Olivia could tell that she was crying. She went back to massaging Alex's back and mouthed, _Thank you _to Elliot over her head.

Elliot realized that his presence was frightening Alex, so he set the clothes on the chair and smiled at the two women. "I'll see you later," he said, and left.

Alex was curled up in a ball, clutching her doll to her chest and whimpering. She flinched each time Olivia's hand came into contact with her injured back, but she didn't say a word.

Olivia kissed the base of her neck. "Elliot brought you some fresh clothes. Do you want to get changed here or in the washroom?"

Alex still didn't respond.

Olivia sighed and got off the bed. She grabbed her NYPD sweatshirt, knowing it would soothe Alex. Alex had always loved to wear Olivia's sweatshirts. Olivia couldn't count the number of times she'd been at work and Alex had gone to bed alone, and she would come home to find her girlfriend curled up in one of her sweatshirts and her boy shorts. "They make me feel like you're with me, even when you're not," she had said.

"But I'm always with you," Olivia had told her, coaxing a smile from the blonde. "Wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, you're never far from my mind."

She sat back down beside Alex. "Lift your arms, honey."

Alex obeyed, almost robotically, and Olivia gently removed her hospital johnny. She tried not to let her eyes linger on the welts and bruises marring Alex's fair skin, but Alex still ducked her head in shame.

Olivia kissed Alex's hair and pulled a loose white blouse over her head. Alex was going to be too sore to wear a bra, or even a regular shirt, for quite some time. She helped Alex put on a new pair of panties and some loose sweatpants. Alex just stared blankly at a miniscule spot on the wall.

Elliot had also brought them a bag of toiletries, and Olivia smiled when she saw that he'd packed some of her perfume. "Here, baby," she said to Alex. "Do you want some?"

Alex obediently held out her wrists, and her lips turned up when Olivia sprayed her perfume on them.

Olivia smiled back and handed Alex her sweatshirt. "Do you want me to put it on you, sweetie?"

Alex nodded and lifted her arms again so Olivia could pull the sweatshirt over her head. She rested her head in Olivia's lap and pulled her doll back into her arms.

Olivia gently stroked her hair. "There you go. All nice and cozy."

Alex's body gradually calmed as Olivia threaded her fingers through her hair, and she pointed to the bag of toiletries.

"What is it, honey?" asked Olivia.

Alex pointed to the bag again, and Olivia handed it to her. Alex found the hairbrush Elliot had packed and handed it to Olivia. "Will you?" she whispered.

Olivia smiled. "Sure, baby."

Alex's hair was shorter now than when she'd gone missing, and she wondered why she hadn't noticed before that they'd cut her hair. It was uneven in some places and not nearly as soft as it usually was, but Olivia had more important things to worry about right now. She got to work, brushing out Alex's hair for her, wincing every time she got to a knot and felt Alex's body tense.

She finished up and smiled at Alex. "Can I braid your hair?" Alex never liked anyone to play with her hair, but Olivia loved to, and sometimes Alex let her.

Alex nodded, and Olivia braided each side of her hair and pulled it into a crown over her head. She rummaged around in the toiletry bag for a handheld mirror, and held it up so Alex could see her reflection.

"See how beautiful you are?" Olivia said, but Alex ducked her head in shame.

"No," she whispered, and rested her head in Olivia's lap again.

Olivia kissed Alex's hair. "You are, baby. You _are_ beautiful."

A few tears leaked from Alex's eyes, and Olivia brushed them away.

"It's okay, love. Don't cry. I'm here."

Alex curled up against Olivia and let the detective calm her body as well as her psyche with gentle caresses and soothing words.

She tensed when the door opened, and Olivia kissed the crown of her head. "It's just a nurse, Alex. She's brought you lunch."

The nurse came into the room and set a tray down on the night table. "How are you feeling, Ms. Cabot?" she asked, drawing the blinds and giving Alex a smile.

Alex looked up Olivia, her cerulean eyes wide. She didn't answer.

It was a rhetorical question anyway. "There's soup and some toast for you," she said, and took out Alex's IV. "If you need more painkillers, I'll bring you pills."

Alex nodded, rubbing her arm where the IV had been.

"Thank you," Olivia said to the nurse, stroking Alex's hair.

The nurse smiled. "I'll be back in a bit."

Olivia helped Alex sit up and handed her the soup. "Here you go, baby."

Alex took the soup, but her hand was shaking and she spilled it, flinching when the hot liquid came into contact with her injured flesh.

With compassion in her eyes, Olivia took the spoon and brought it tenderly to Alex's lips. "Here, baby. Have some."

Alex's eyes darted up to meet Olivia's, and when Olivia smiled and nodded, she reluctantly opened her mouth.

Olivia took another spoonful and brought it to Alex's lips again. "Good girl," she said, gently stroking Alex's hair.

Alex began to cry again, but leaning back against the pillows and allowed Olivia to feed her without complaint. Olivia's eyes were full of tenderness as she brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead and held the spoon to Alex's lips once more. When she started to give Alex some more soup, the blonde shook her head and kept her mouth closed. "I don't want it," she whispered.

"Are you sure, honey? It's important that you have _something _to eat."

Alex closed her eyes. "I _did_."

Olivia sighed. "Okay, baby." She put the soup on Alex's bedside table and lay back down beside her girlfriend, guiding Alex's head to rest on her shoulder.

Alex's tears kept flowing, although she desperately tried to stop them. She buried her face in the crook of Olivia's neck.

"Oh, princess. Don't cry. Please don't cry." Olivia rested her cheek on the crown of Alex's head, and Alex felt a few tears land on her hair. God, she'd made Olivia cry. She'd never wanted to make Olivia cry.

Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia and hugged her tightly. "I'm okay," she whispered, to reassure herself just as much as Olivia.

Olivia kissed her forehead. "Yeah," she said softly, but her eyes were still wet with tears.

Alex brushed away Olivia's tears and smiled weakly. "Don't cry for me, Liv. It's okay."

Olivia snuggled closer to Alex. "How about I cry with you then?"

The corners of Alex's lips twitched. "That's the same thing."

Olivia shook her head. "No. It isn't." She pulled Alex against her and cradled her girlfriend's head against her chest. "I love you, baby."

"I love you, too, Liv."

"I am so glad to have you home with me," she whispered.

"But we aren't home."

"We will be, though. I'll never let you go again, Alex. I promise that from this moment forward, I will keep you safe. I will never let anyone hurt you ever again."

Alex looked at the ground. "I'm sorry."

"No, baby. It's not your fault. It's _not_."

"I know, but I – I didn't mean to upset you, Liv."

"Sweetie, I'm not upset with you. I could never be upset with you over something like this. I'm angry at the men who did this to you."

Alex lay her head in Olivia's lap and began to cry again, and all Olivia could do was stroke her hair and promise that everything would be all right, even though she wasn't certain whether or not that was true.

**Review for chapter seven!**


	7. Chapter 7

That night, Olivia cleaned and re-bandaged Alex's wounds herself. Dr. Stoll had shown her how to do it, and she knew that Alex would feel more comfortable with Olivia touching her injuries than a stranger, even if that stranger was a doctor. Alex flinched every time Olivia touched her and whimpered as Olivia cleaned between her legs. Olivia knew she was hurting Alex, and it hurt her that she had to do this, but it needed to be done. "You're so brave, baby," she soothed as she applied the cream to the burns between Alex's legs. "I'm so proud of you."

Alex bit her lip, tears falling down her cheeks as she tried not to cry out in pain. "It – it hurts," she whimpered.

"I know, baby. I know it does. We're almost done. Just a few more minutes."

Alex cringed as Olivia touched a particularly sensitive spot and rolled onto her side, her eyes wide with fear. "Please, ma'am, please don't. It hurts! It hurts, ma'am, please!"

Olivia's hand stilled between Alex's legs and she took Alex's hand in her other one. "Sweetheart, I'm trying to be gentle, but the area needs to be cleaned so it doesn't get infected."

"No!" Alex shook her head, her body tensing as she tried to wriggle away from Olivia. "No, ma'am, please! Not the brander. Not the brander!"

Olivia immediately pulled back and removed her hand from between Alex's legs, recognizing that Alex wasn't "here" with her anymore, that she was having a flashback of sorts. "Alex," she said calmly. "It's just me. It's Olivia. It's okay. You're safe."

Alex squirmed to the edge of the bed and pulled her knees to her chest, rocking back and forth as she cried. "No, please, please, don't use it on me! No, it hurts too much! Please, ma'am, no!"

"Alex, no one's going to hurt you, but I do need to clean between your legs. I don't want the area to get infected. I'll be as gentle as I can, but it might sting a little." She held up the cream to show Alex. "See, it's just cream. It will feel better in a few minutes, I promise."

"Not the brander," whispered Alex, burying her head in her knees. "No, no, no, ma'am. No!"

"Alex, it's okay. It's just Olivia. You're okay. You don't have to call me _ma'am_." She hesitated. "What's the brander, baby?"

Ales cried even harder. "He – he put it b-between my – my legs and he – he b-burned m-me and – and it hurt s-so much! To – to punish me."

Olivia's heart clenched, but she knew she had to remain calm, for Alex's sake. "Alex, I'm not going to punish you. I won't hurt you, I promise. It might sting a little, but that's all, and then you'll feel better."

"No – no," whimpered Alex, pressing her thighs together as she wept, great heaving sobs that racked her whole body. "Hurts! It hurts. Please, ma'am, please stop."

"Alex, I'm not touching you." Olivia raised her hands for emphasis, turning the palms in and then out as if to reassure Alex further. "See? You're okay. Nothing bad is going to happen to you."

Alex curled up in a ball, crying even harder now, and it was a wonder that she was still able to breathe properly. "No! Please don't, please don't, please don't! Let go of me!" Suddenly, she stopped sobbing, and all that was left were quiet whimpers. She buried her head in her hands. "O-Olivia?" she whispered.

Olivia moved over to Alex, slowly, so as not to startle her, grateful that this seemed to have passed. "Yeah, baby," she said quietly, taking Alex's hand and squeezing gently. "I'm right here."

"No," murmured Alex. "No, please –"

"What is it, baby? What can I do?"

"L-Liv?"

"Yes, Alex, I'm here. I'm right here. Look at me, baby. I'm right here."

Alex shook her head. "No," she repeated.

"Alex, I'm here. You're safe. Look at me, sweetie. It's okay."

Alex finally raised her eyes, and when she saw Olivia, she visibly relaxed and collapsed into a fresh round of sobbing, falling into Olivia's arms as she cried.

Olivia held her close, gently stroking her hair. "It's okay, Alex. It's okay. You're safe now. I won't let anybody hurt you." She kissed the crown of Alex's head. "What can I do to make it better?"

Alex buried her face in Olivia's shoulder. "Don't look at me," she whispered, her words muffled.

Olivia sighed. She supposed it wouldn't be the end of the world if she didn't finish cleaning Alex's injuries tonight, even though the doctor had told her explicitly to do it three times a day. In the cost/benefit analysis of their life, the cost of Alex's psychological trauma from Olivia touching her when she didn't want to be touched would outweigh the potential physical benefits. She kissed Alex's hair. "Sweetie, I won't touch you if you don't want me to, but tomorrow morning I'm going to have to put some cream on those burns and the antiseptic on your cuts so they heal, okay?"

Alex was silent for a moment, but she finally nodded.

"I think Elliot brought you your pajamas. Do you want to change here or in the washroom?"

Alex shook her head. "I can do it _myself_," she snapped, and climbed out of bed. "I don't need you telling me what to do." She picked up the bag Elliot had brought and went into the washroom, closing the door behind her.

Olivia watched, half concerned and half amused. Now _this _was the Alex she knew.

Suddenly she heard a crash and a shriek, then a whimper. Olivia jumped off the bed and ran to the washroom, where she found Alex on the floor, crying. She sat down beside Alex and wrapped her arms around the trembling blonde. "Baby, what happened?"

"I fell," she answered, but allowed Olivia to help her to her feet and leaned on her as they walked back to the hospital room.

Olivia figured there was probably more to it than that, but didn't push the issue. "Is there any blood?"

Alex rolled her eyes. "No, _Mom_."

"I know, honey. I'm just making sure you're okay. It's my job." She handed Alex her pajama top. "Can you do it?"

Alex nodded and pulled the shirt over her head. "I'm okay." She winced as the material came into contact with the wounds on her back, but didn't say a word.

Olivia helped her change into her pajama pants and they sat back down on the bed. Olivia took Alex into her arms and held her close. "I love you, baby."

"I love you, too."

Olivia kissed her forehead. "Sweet dreams for my sweet Alex."

Alex smiled. "Sweet dreams for my sweet Olivia," she echoed, and curled further into her girlfriend's embrace.

Olivia gently rubbed Alex's back and waited for her to fall asleep, but she kept tossing and turning in Olivia's arms.

"What's wrong, princess?" Olivia finally asked. "Do you want me to have a nurse bring you a sedative?"

Alex shook her head. "It's too quiet."

"Do you want me to turn on the fan?"

Alex shook her head again.

"Do you want me to turn on the television?"

"No."

"What can I do, then?"

Alex just sighed.

Olivia kissed her forehead and began to sing, softly, hoping it would help.

"_You're the bravest of hearts_

_You're the strongest of souls_

_You're my light in the dark_

_You're the place I call home_

_You can say it's all right_

_But I know that you're _

_Breaking up inside_

_I see it in your eyes_

_Even you face the night_

_Afraid and alone_

_That's why I'll be there_

_When the storm rises up_

_When the shadows descend_

_Every beat of my heart_

_Every day without end_

_Every second I live_

_That's the promise I make_

_Baby, that's what I'll give_

_If that's what it takes_

_You can sleep in my arms_

_You don't have to explain_

_When your heart's crying out_

_Baby, whisper my name_

'_Cause I've reached out for you_

_When the thunder is crashing up above_

_You've given me your love_

_When your smile like the sun_

_That shines through the pain_

_That's why I'll be there_

_When the storm rises up_

_When the shadows descend_

_Every beat of my heart_

_Every day without end_

_I will stand like a rock_

_I will bend till I break_

_Till there's no more to give_

_If that's what it takes_

_I will risk everything_

_I will fight, I will bleed_

_I will lay down my life_

_If that's what you need_

_Every second I live_

_That's the promise I make_

_Baby, that's what I'll give_

_If that's what it takes_

_Through the wind and the rain_

_Through the smoke and the fire_

_When the fear rises up_

_When the wave's ever higher_

_I will lay down my heart_

_My body, my soul_

_I will hold on all night_

_And never let go_

_Every second I live_

_That's the promise I make_

_Baby, that's what I'll give_

_If that's what it takes."_

Within minutes, Alex had fallen asleep. Olivia kissed her forehead and whispered, "I love you." She shifted so she'd be more comfortable but didn't allow herself to sleep. She would stay awake and watch over her Alex, just in case.

**Review for chapter eight!**


	8. Chapter 8

Alex woke up seven times throughout the night with nightmares, thrashing and crying, and each time, Olivia soothed her with gentle touches and calming words, and sang her back to sleep. Finally, around 4:30, Alex asked for a sedative, and Olivia had one of the night nurses bring her one. Finally, her body calmed in Olivia's arms, but still the detective couldn't sleep. She cradled Alex's head against her chest and kissed her hair, gently rubbing Alex's back, for her own comfort as much as her girlfriend's.

Nurses came in and out of the room a few times throughout the night, checking Alex's vitals. "She's fine," Olivia told them each time. "I would have called you if anything had changed." Still, they ignored her, and Olivia didn't hold it against them. They were just doing their jobs, just as she was doing hers. It was her job to take care of Alex, to make her feel safe and reassure her that she was loved whenever she was feeling insecure.

Alex awoke around 9:30, and she gave Olivia a weak smile. "'Morning, Liv."

"'Morning, baby." She kissed Alex's forehead. "Dr. Stoll says we can go home today."

Alex buried her head in Olivia's shoulder and didn't say anything.

Olivia gently stroked her hair. "Are you feeling okay? Do you want me to get you something to eat? Do you –?"

Alex shook her head. "I'm fine."

"Did you sleep okay?"

Alex sighed. "You don't need to baby me, Liv. You don't need to ask rhetorical questions, either. You were with me all night."

Ah, the Alex she knew was peeking through her shell again. Her sharp, independent, slightly demanding Alex. "Right. Anyway, Dr. Stoll's going to come back here in a bit and check you out, and then we can go home."

Alex nodded.

"But before she comes in, I have to clean your cuts."

Alex shook her head. "I don't want you to touch me!" she whimpered, and curled away from Olivia.

"Sweetie, I know you don't want me to, but I have to finish cleaning your cuts so they don't get infected. Either I can do it or I can go get Dr. Stoll and she can do it, but it needs to be done."

Alex shook her head and squirmed away from Olivia. "_No_."

"You said last night that if I didn't touch you, you'd let me do it in the morning."

"I didn't say that. _You _said that."

"And you agreed."

Alex began to cry. "I just wanted you to stop. You were hurting me."

Olivia's heart clenched. She hated that she had to do this, that she had to hurt the woman she loved, but it needed to be done. "I'll try to be gentle, baby, but it's going to make you feel better after. If those injuries get infected, they'll hurt even more."

"They hurt too much already," whined Alex.

Olivia sighed. "Alex, I can get you a sedative if you want, but I have to do this for you."

"No!" Alex sobbed, burying her head in a pillow. "No, no, no, no, no! No! Don't touch me! Don't hurt me, please!"

"Alex, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just going to put some cream on your back, and clean your cuts. That's all."

Alex rolled onto her side, wincing, and wriggled to the edge of the bed. "No," she whispered through her tears.

"Sweetheart, we can't leave until this is done. We can do it now, or in ten minutes, or in ten hours, but Dr. Stoll isn't going to let us go home until it's done." Olivia decided not to mention that she would have to do this for Alex every morning and every night until her injuries healed, which might take weeks.

"I don't care."

"Yeah, you do. You don't want an infection, and you don't want the marks to scar."

"They will anyway." Alex kept crying, and she wouldn't look at Olivia. "It doesn't matter. I'm ugly."

"No, baby, you're _not_."

"Yes, I am."

Olivia sighed again. They weren't getting anywhere like this. "Alex, I need you to lie down on your stomach and pull up your shirt. I won't hurt you, but I do need to clean you up."

Alex didn't stop crying as she did as she was told, trembling as she pulled up her shirt for Olivia. It broke Olivia's heart, because she knew that Alex was submitting out of fear. She didn't want to be the one to scare Alex and make her do something she didn't want to do, but this was necessary.

"You can tell me if I'm hurting you, baby. I'll try not to, but it might sting."

Alex whimpered and flinched as Olivia started to remove the bandages on her back, but didn't move. This was the easy part – the _easier _part. She needed to clean the cuts on Alex's back again and re-bandage them, and it wouldn't hurt too much except for a mild discomfort. Olivia knew she was going to have to clean between Alex's legs and put some more cream on her breasts, and she hoped it wouldn't send Alex into another flashback.

Olivia finished up with Alex's back. "Okay, baby. That's all done. You were really brave for me, and I'm so proud of you."

Alex sniffled and pulled her knees to her chest. "No more."

"Sweetie, I know you don't want me to, but I need to put some cream on your breasts. You can hold my hand and squeeze really tight if it hurts, okay?"

Alex shook her head. "Please, don't." She pulled her shirt back down and crossed her arms protectively over her chest.

"Alex, I need you to lift your shirt up for me and lie down on your back. It might hurt a little, but it's going to feel better after."

Whimpering, Alex lay down on her back and squeezed her eyes shut.

Olivia kissed Alex's forehead. "Thank you, baby. I'm going to lift your shirt up, okay?"

Alex didn't answer, and Olivia waited a moment before gently lifting Alex's shirt and folding it back.

"I'm going to put some cream on your breasts," she said, and intertwined the fingers of her left hand with Alex's. "You can squeeze my hand if it hurts."

Alex clung limply to Olivia's hand as the detective applied the cream to her breasts. A few tears leaked from her eyes, but she didn't squirm away. She stayed perfectly still, trying to be the good girl Olivia wanted her to be, even though it hurt.

Finally Olivia finished. She rolled down Alex's shirt and gave her a kiss. "Good girl. You're doing great, Alex. I love you."

Alex whimpered and turned her face to the side, so she wasn't looking at Olivia.

"Alex, I need you to take off your pants so I can clean between your legs. I'm not going to lie to you – it's going to hurt a bit, but then it's going to be over, and you're going to feel better."

Alex started to cry again as she pulled down her pants. She squeezed her thighs together as she sobbed, and Olivia hated to have to do this, but she knew it was necessary.

"Sweetie, I need you to open your legs. I'm just going to clean the burns for you, baby. That's all."

Alex inched her thighs apart and buried her head in her doll's hair, squeezing it as tightly as she could as Olivia cleaned the burns between her legs. Olivia tried to soothe her as she did so, murmuring comforting words that Alex barely heard. She was too focused on the pain, and trying not to cry out.

After what seemed to both of them like an eternity, Olivia sat up and gently closed Alex's legs. "There you go, baby. We're all done." She slid Alex's pants back up her thighs and lay down beside her. "It's over," she murmured, kissing the base of Alex's neck. "I love you so much."

Alex wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and didn't say anything.

Olivia sighed. "I love you," she repeated, and wrapped her arms around Alex.

Alex squirmed in her embrace, pushing Olivia away as best she could. "Let go," she whispered, and when Olivia immediately did, she scooted to the edge of the bed and curled into herself, hugging her doll as silent tears leaked from her eyes.

Olivia wanted to go to her, to comfort her physically, because there were no words for this. There was nothing she could say to pass through the sudden barrier between them. She hadn't wanted to, she hadn't meant to, but she'd hurt Alex. Alex wasn't going to be able to separate her from the men who'd hurt her so badly, and she wasn't going to feel safe in Olivia's embrace for a long time.

There was nothing left for her to do. She rolled onto her side, away from Alex, and she, too, began to cry.

**Review for chapter nine!**


	9. Chapter 9

Alex froze when she heard Olivia start to cry. Her girlfriend was evidently trying to be quiet, but Alex could still hear her, and each sob cut into her heart like a knife. She was ruining _everything_. She'd made Olivia cry. And Olivia was being so good to her – she was trying so hard. Alex was being so awful. Ungrateful. Selfish.

She turned onto her other side to face Olivia. "I'm sorry," she whispered, although she was unsure whether or not Olivia could even hear her.

Evidently, Olivia had, because she felt strong, warm arms encircling her a moment later. "Oh, princess. I love you," Olivia murmured into her hair, and kissed the crown of her head. "And it's not your fault. I understand."

"Yours, either. I just – I got scared –" Alex squeezed her doll as tightly as she could. "It hurt. But I didn't – I'm sorry."

"I know, baby. I know. I'm sorry that I had to do that, but your injuries do need to be cleaned, sweetheart."

Alex began to cry again. "I tried to be good –"

"I know, baby. I know you did. It's okay."

"I don't want you to do it again."

Olivia gently stroked Alex's hair. "I know you don't, sweetie, but I'm going to have to, in the morning and before bed until everything heals. I need to make sure you're safe, Alex. It's because I love you, and I don't know what I'd do if anything bad happened to you."

_Again_, she didn't say, but Alex heard the words anyway.

"I know. I know you love me. But sometimes –" She swallowed hard, hating herself for this show of vulnerability. "Sometimes I – I think I hurt you more by being here than when I was – that I would have been better off –"

Olivia's eyes widened and she squeezed Alex tightly. "No, baby. Don't think that. _Never _think that. I love you. I'll say it a million times if that's what you need me to do, because it's true. I love you, I love you, I love you. I would never wish for anything else. I can't even begin to tell you how lucky I am to have you."

Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder, and the detective tenderly brushed away her tears. She gave Alex a kiss and massaged her shoulder blades.

"Everything's okay now, baby. Everything's going to be fine. You're safe, and no one's ever going to hurt you again."

"Oh, Liv. You don't know that."

"Yeah, I do, baby. I'll make sure of it. I won't let you out of my sight if that's what you need, but I promise, no one will hurt my princess ever again."

"I'm not –"

"Yeah, baby, you are. You _are _a princess and I love you so, so much. I would do _anything _for you. Anything."

"I'm _not_."

Olivia looked right into her eyes. "Do you want to be?"

"More than anything," whispered Alex, ashamed to even say the words.

Olivia smiled and brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead. "Then you are."

Alex jumped when she heard the door open and started to tremble. Olivia tightened her grip on Alex and was quick to soothe her, kissing the base of her neck and then rubbing her back.

"It's okay. It's just Dr. Stoll, baby. You don't have to be afraid."

Alex nodded and tried to relax in Olivia's arms, but she couldn't quite manage it. Olivia kissed her hair and continued to massage her back, murmuring comforting words in Alex's ear.

Dr. Stoll came into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Good morning, Ms. Cabot. How are you feeling?"

Alex wiped at the lingering moisture in her eyes and didn't answer.

"She's doing a bit better," Olivia answered for her. "I cleaned up her cuts."

Dr. Stoll nodded. "You're going to have to do that twice a day until they heal. And the rib fractures will heal by themselves within six weeks – I'll write you a prescription for some pain medication." She turned to Alex. "I need to take a look at you, and then we're done, and you can go home."

Alex buried her face in Olivia's chest. "No," she whimpered. "I don't – I don't want anyone to – to see me."

"I know you don't, baby," said Olivia gently, kissing the crown of Alex's head. "Dr. Stoll isn't going to hurt you. She's just going to take a look. She needs to make sure I cleaned your cuts properly. Then we can go home."

"No – no – please –"

"Alex, I'm right here. It's okay. I'll hold you if you want me to. Tell me what I can do to make this easier for you."

"Don't make me," sobbed Alex. "Please, ma'am, please!"

"Sweetheart, I need you to sit up for me." Olivia gently guided Alex into a sitting position. "I'm going to lift your shirt. That's all, baby. I'm just going to lift your shirt."

Alex kept crying, and cringed when she felt Dr. Stoll's cold hand on her back. Olivia took her hands and brought them to her lips.

"You're being so brave for us, baby," she soothed. "We're almost done."

Finally, Dr. Stoll concluded that Olivia had done an adequate job and cleared them to go home. "I'll expect you back in two weeks, Alex, just to see how you're doing," she said gently.

Alex nodded and wiped a hand across her eyes, trying in vain to remove the traces of her tears. "Thank you," she whispered, so quietly that she wasn't sure if the doctor heard.

Dr. Stoll smiled. "You're welcome."

She left, and Olivia helped Alex get dressed again. "Okay, princess. Are you ready to go?"

Alex nodded again. "Yes," she murmured.

Olivia held her hands out to Alex and helped her to her feet. When she let go of Alex's hands, the blonde's legs gave way and she nearly fell. Olivia grabbed her arm to steady her. "Here you go, Alex. Lean on me, okay? I've got you."

Alex ducked her head, ashamed that she was unable to even walk properly. She used to be so independent, so strong. Now, she was _broken_.

Olivia caught the look in her eyes. "It's okay, baby. I'll help you."

Olivia signed Alex out of the hospital and brought her out to the car. She helped Alex into the passenger seat and started to drive back to their apartment.

After about ten minutes, after they'd turned onto the highway, Alex started feeling very ill. "Liv," she murmured. "Pull over. I'm going to be sick."

"Sweetie, we're on the highway. I'll take the next exit, but do you think you can wait a few minutes?"

Alex bit her lip. "I'm okay." She took a deep breath and tried not to focus on the motion of the car, or on her captors, or on the interview she knew she would have to endure tomorrow, or the next day at the latest. She didn't want to talk about what she'd gone through, even to Olivia.

Olivia glanced at Alex. "Alex, are you –"

"Liv –" Alex promptly leaned forward and threw up, all over the windshield.

Olivia sighed as Alex burst into tears. She reached out to intertwine her fingers with Alex's. "It's okay. I'll take the next exit, baby."

"I'm sorry, ma'am, I'm sorry," whimpered Alex, covering her head with her arms as if to ward it from anticipatory blows.

"It's okay," repeated Olivia, squeezing Alex's hand. "It happens."

"No, it –" Alex keened and vomited again, all over her sweatpants. She began to cry again. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to, please. Please don't hurt me!"

"Baby, I won't." Olivia gave her hand another comforting squeeze. She was paying more attention to Alex than her driving, and missed the exit. "Dammit," she muttered, focusing on the road again.

"I'm sorry!" wailed Alex. "Don't punish me, please!"

"It's okay, princess. I missed the exit – not your fault. We'll stop at a gas station and I'll clean up, and if there's a store nearby, I'll get you a new pair of pants."

Alex buried her head in her hands, trying in vain to muffle her sobs.

Olivia pulled off the highway and stopped at a service station. She gently rubbed Alex's back. "I love you, Alex," she said quietly, kissing Alex's cheek. "I'll be back in a moment."

"No – don't leave me – Liv –" Her eyes were pleading desperately for Olivia to stay.

"Sweetie, I'm just going to the convenience store to see if they have something for you to wear. I'll be five minutes, tops."

Alex's eyes followed Olivia out of the car and into the variety store, and Olivia returned a few moments later carrying a blanket.

"They didn't have pants, but they had this and a long-sleeved t-shirt. Come on; I'll help you change in the washroom."

Alex mutely followed Olivia into the gas station and let the detective wash her pants in the sink, then help her change into the t-shirt. It reached to her knees, and Olivia wrapped the blanket around her legs like a skirt.

"You okay?" she asked softly.

Alex lowered her eyes. "I don't want anyone to see the scars."

Olivia sighed, and as they walked back out to the car, stood in front of Alex to shield her from the glances of curious bystanders. "You sit in the backseat," she said. "I'll clean up the car."

Alex started to cry again, but she did as she was told. And when Olivia finished, she found that Alex was sound asleep.

**Review for chapter ten!**


	10. Chapter 10

Alex woke up to find herself in her bed, tucked underneath her covers. For a moment, she entertained the notion that perhaps her abduction and all of her pain had just been a bad dream, but as soon as she turned onto her side and felt the searing pain that coursed through her veins, she remembered.

"Olivia?" she called, a bit hesitantly. Olivia must have carried her upstairs and tucked her in.

Olivia was by her side in an instant. "Hi, baby," she said tenderly, sitting on the bed next to Alex and taking her hand. "How are you feeling?"

Alex stiffened, but then she gave Olivia's hand a squeeze and tried to calm her body. "Okay," she whispered.

Olivia smiled and brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead. "It's so good to have you home with me."

Alex nodded and laid her head in Olivia's lap.

"I made you dinner."

"What time is it?"

"6:22," replied Olivia as she checked her watch. "Are you hungry?"

"What did you make?"

"Spaghetti. You don't have to have it if you don't want it, though."

Alex shook her head. "I'll have some." She held out her hands to Olivia and the detective helped her to her feet.

They sat down at the kitchen table, but Alex only took a few bites of pasta, and spent the rest of the time twirling the noodles around with her fork.

"Aren't you hungry?" asked Olivia, knitting her brow in concern.

Alex shook her head. She picked up her plate and carried it to the sink. "I'm sorry," she murmured.

Olivia took her hand. "Hey, it's okay." She managed a smile. "It's not very good anyway."

"It's fine. I'm just not too hungry."

"Okay." She kissed the crown of Alex's head. "Do you want to watch a movie?"

"Sure."

"Which one?"

"I don't care."

They curled up on the couch and flipped channels on the television until they finally found something, and they watched television for a few hours until Olivia noticed Alex starting to fall asleep.

"Baby," she said gently, rubbing Alex's back. "I've got to clean your cuts again before bed."

"No," murmured Alex sleepily.

"Yeah, baby. I'm sorry, but I have to."

"No!"

"Sweetheart, I'll try not to hurt you, but I promise you'll feel better after. Come on." She took Alex's hand and helped her to bed. "I need you to lie down on your stomach for me."

They did very much the same thing as they had this morning, and Alex stayed perfectly still for the entire time, even as tears streaked down her cheeks.

"Thank you, princess," Olivia said when she finally finished. She helped Alex change into her nightgown and took her girlfriend into her arms.

Alex didn't say anything, but Olivia could feel Alex beginning to calm in her embrace. Within minutes, they were both asleep.

* * *

Olivia panicked when she woke up in the middle of the night to find Alex's side of the bed empty. Terror seized her and suddenly she couldn't breathe, wondering if all this had just been a dream, and Alex was still missing.

But when she got up out of bed, she found Alex kneeling on the ground, her eyes lowered as if she was trying desperately not to cry. She was trembling, and her shoulders were curled like a beaten dog. It broke Olivia's heart.

She wrapped a blanket around Alex and spoke gently to her. "It's cold here, baby. Will you come back to bed with me?"

Alex didn't say anything, didn't move, didn't even seem to register Olivia's presence, and a surge of fear coursed through Olivia once more. Had Alex had another nightmare, and she'd somehow slept through it?

"Alex," she tried again. "What's the matter, princess?"

Still, she got no reply.

"Sweetheart, please tell me what's wrong." Olivia was practically begging by now.

"Can't sleep," Alex finally said, and Olivia breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'll hold you," she offered.

"No."

"What do you want me to do, baby? Just tell me how I can help you, and I will."

Alex started to cry. She crawled to the closet and curled up in a ball. She tried to close the door, but Olivia followed her and knelt down beside her.

"Leave me here," Alex whispered.

"No, baby! You don't have to sleep here."

Alex shook her head. "I can't sleep in your bed," she murmured, and lowered her eyes in shame.

Olivia gently lifted her chin. "Sweetie, it's your bed, too."

"Liv, I can't –" She swallowed hard. "Please, Liv. I'm sorry." She bowed her head and started to cry again. "Please."

So Olivia left her, although her heart was breaking as she did so.

**Review for chapter eleven!**


	11. Chapter 11

Olivia woke up to find Alex still curled up in the closet, sound asleep. "Baby," she said quietly, taking Alex's hand and giving it a squeeze. "It's time to get up." She really didn't want to wake Alex, but she had to clean her cuts and then they had to go to the police station, where Alex was supposed to give her statement.

Alex's eyes flew open and she flinched, trying to squirm away from Olivia.

"Sweetheart, it's okay. It's just me." She bit her lip. "Alex, I need to clean your injuries for you and re-bandage your back."

"No," whimpered Alex, vehemently shaking her head.

"Yeah, baby. I told you before that I would have to do it twice a day. It's to make sure your wounds don't get infected, sweetie."

"Please don't," begged Alex, and it was breaking Olivia's heart to deny her. She knew that to Alex, this felt like another violation altogether, and she couldn't bear the idea that she was taking away Alex's control over her own body, just as the man who'd abducted her had done.

"Alex, I won't hurt you. I promise I'll be very careful and I won't hurt you."

Alex mutely went to the bed and lay down, staying as still as she could, although she was trembling. "Yes, ma'am," she murmured, and buried her head in her hands.

Alex cried as Olivia lifted her shirt and started to gently peel off the bandages. It made Olivia want to cry, too, but she had to be strong for Alex. She murmured soothing words as she applied the antiseptic, but Alex didn't seem to be listening, so she settled for taking Alex's hand. Alex's fingers were limp and her hand shook, but she didn't try to pull away – not because she didn't want to, but because she was afraid of what would happen if she did. Olivia understood this, and as soon as it hit her, she felt tears rushing to her own eyes, and blinked them back.

Olivia re-bandaged Alex's back and pressed a gentle kiss to the base of her neck. "You're being so brave, baby," she said, tenderly stroking Alex's hair. Still, Alex shivered, and still, she wept.

"Sweetheart, can you turn over for me so I can finish?"

Alex looked up at Olivia through glassy blue eyes. "Yes, ma'am," she whispered, and rolled onto her back.

"You don't have to call me _ma'am_, honey. It's okay." She planted a kiss on Alex's forehead. "I'm so proud of you."

Alex forced herself to lie still, to be the good girl Olivia expected her to be, even though it hurt, almost as much as when the injuries had been inflicted to begin with. And she was going to have to go through this _every day, _twice a day, for _weeks_. She didn't know if she'd be able to bear it.

After what seemed like an eternity, Olivia finished and rolled down Alex's shirt. "I'll make you breakfast, sweetheart, while you get dressed. Then we have to go to the precinct so you can give your statement."

Alex shook her head. "I don't want to –"

"I know you don't, baby, but you have to. We're going to need your statement to convict the man who hurt you. You know that."

"But I don't – I can't –" She bowed her head. "I'm scared," she finally admitted.

"I know, baby, but you are very, very strong, and I know you can do this. I'll stay with you the whole time if that's what you need."

Alex shook her head. "It doesn't work that way. _You _know that."

"I'll find a way."

"But it has to stand up in court, and if you're there, it won't, and I've wasted my time." She sounded so weary, defeated, and that hurt Olivia more than anything. She couldn't make Alex feel safe anymore. She couldn't protect her.

"It'll be okay," she said, but the words sounded hollow, even to her. She couldn't make those kinds of promises anymore – Alex wouldn't believe them.

She went into the kitchen and started some pancakes for Alex, trying to push away her guilt for what she had to force Alex to do. She didn't like making Alex do things she didn't want to do, but right now Alex wasn't in any state to decide for herself, and Olivia knew this was the right thing to do. She just wished it didn't hurt so much.

"Alex!" she called about ten minutes later. "Breakfast's ready!"

Alex didn't respond, so after a few moments Olivia went to get her.

She found Alex curled up in the closet again, rocking back and forth as tears streaked down her face. "Please, ma'am," she begged, looking up at Olivia through glassy eyes. "Please don't make me!"

Olivia felt the physical pain in her heart, and she knelt down beside her girlfriend. "Princess, I know you don't want to talk about what happened. I don't want you to talk about it, either, and I don't want to put you through any more pain than you absolutely have to endure. If there was any other way, I'd find it, but sweetheart, there isn't. I really wish you didn't have to do this, but you're going to have to be brave for me. I know you can do this."

"I can't," whimpered Alex.

"I know you can, baby. You're the strongest woman I've ever met, and you can do this."

"No, I can't!"

"Princess –"

"Please." Alex's final entreaty was barely audible, but it brought tears to Olivia's eyes.

"Baby, you have to. I'm sorry, but you have to."

Alex bowed her head in acceptance – no, in defeat. It broke Olivia's heart.

She sighed and helped Alex to her feet. "Come on, baby. I'll help you get dressed."

* * *

An hour later, Olivia and a very reluctant, trembling Alex were sitting in an interview room at the precinct. Olivia wished she could take Alex's statement herself, but it would be a conflict of interest, and two detectives from Brooklyn SVU had come down to the 1-6 to interview her.

Both of them looked up when the door opened and a woman and a man walked in. They sat down across from Alex and Olivia. "Ms. Cabot, I'm Detective Stevens and this is Detective Russo," said the woman, and turned to Olivia. "Detective Benson, I'm sorry, but you're going to have to leave."

Olivia kissed the crown of Alex's head. "You're going to be fine, baby," she murmured, giving Alex's hand a squeeze before leaving the room. She stood on the other side of the mirror and chewed on her lower lip, watching the interview.

Alex didn't look at the detectives in the room. She kept her eyes on the table, tracing circles with the pads of her fingers. Her fingernails were just starting to grow back in, and it was more painful than she'd expected. Olivia had given her some painkillers, but they only helped so much.

"Ms. Cabot, is it all right if we turn on the tape recorder?" asked Detective Russo.

Alex wanted to say no, but her throat constricted and she couldn't say anything at all.

Detective Russo turned it on anyway and said the date and time.

"Ms. Cabot," said Detective Stevens. "I want to walk you through what happened the night you were abducted. Where were you when it happened?"

Alex took a deep breath. "I was on my way home from work. I stopped to pick up some Chinese for dinner, at Mandarin. When I came outside, there was a man waiting. He asked me for directions, and I told him I didn't know, and started to go back to my car. He grabbed me and I felt a gun against my back. He told me to shut up and not say a word, or else he'd kill me and hurt Olivia – Detective Benson. My girlfriend." She bit her lip. "I went with him. He put me in his truck and tied me up in the back."

"What happened next?"

"He drove for maybe an hour or two," answered Alex, picking at a loose thread on her shirt. "We got to a house, and he took me into the basement. He blindfolded me and hung me from the ceiling by my wrists. He came back down a while later, and he raped me." She buried her head in her hands. "I don't want to talk anymore."

"I know this is difficult, Ms. Cabot, but it's very important that you tell us everything you remember."

"I don't care." Alex started to cry and looked up at the one-way mirror. "Olivia?" It was more of a plea than anything, and it took all Olivia had not to go to her and fold Alex into her warm embrace. Alex needed to finish this. It would be painful, but then it would be over. That was what mattered.

"Ms. Cabot, what happened after he raped you?"

Alex cried harder. "Olivia!" she said, rocking herself back and forth. "Olivia –"

"Ms. Cabot –"

"No!" she screamed, covering her ears with her hands. "I want to go home! I don't want to be here!"

And then Olivia was by her side, holding her and protecting her from this pain. She said something to the detectives that Alex didn't understand, and the next thing she knew, Olivia was shepherding her out the door and into the car. "You did so well, baby," she said, kissing Alex's forehead. "I'm proud of you."

Alex leaned against the car door. "I'm sorry, ma'am. I tried, really, I – please don't punish me, I didn't mean to."

"Princess, I'm not going to punish you. It's okay. You did just fine."

But Alex either didn't hear or didn't understand. And that hurt Olivia more than anything, because there didn't seem to be anything she could do to help.

**Review for chapter twelve!**


	12. Chapter 12

That night, Alex fought Olivia again as the detective tried to clean her wounds. She kicked and writhed and wailed until finally Olivia gave up. "You've had a hard day, and I get that, so I'm not going to make you do this tonight. Tomorrow morning, though, you're going to have to stay still for me so I can clean you up." She didn't wait for an answer, and rolled onto her side, away from Alex. Exhausted herself, she promptly fell asleep.

* * *

Olivia woke up to find Alex sleeping in the closet again. She sighed and went to her girlfriend. She didn't wake her this time – she just watched Alex sleep. The blonde looked so peaceful in slumber, and Olivia lightly traced her cheekbone. She wanted to tuck Alex back into bed, but she didn't want to risk waking her, so she settled for just stroking Alex's hair.

Alex's eyes flew open and she started to cry. "Please don't hurt me!"

"It's just me, Alex," soothed Olivia. "I won't hurt you."

Alex dropped her gaze. "I don't want you to touch me."

"Alex, I know you don't, but I have to. Now lie down on the bed so I can re-bandage your back."

Alex didn't stop crying as she did as she was told. She didn't start fighting until Olivia turned her onto her back and started to clean her breasts.

"No!" she screamed, and started to squirm, blindly kicking and catching Olivia in the stomach.

Olivia grabbed her legs to still them, and that only made Alex struggle harder.

"Please, ma'am, please, no. Please don't, please, no, please, it hurts, you're hurting me!" pleaded Alex, still trying to wriggle out of Olivia's grasp.

"Alex, I need you to calm down for me."

"No!" Alex shrieked. "No, no, let go of me! Stop, please, please, ma'am!"

Olivia finally let go, realizing this was a pointless battle, because neither of them would win. "Alex, I'm not going to hold you down. I'm going to go start breakfast, and I want you to come get me when you're ready to be a good girl." She hated having to speak so harshly to Alex, but she was getting tired of fighting, and she wasn't sure she could take this anymore. She understood Alex's pain, and her fear, but she couldn't keep doing this every day, twice a day. It was Alex's body, and if she wanted to be healthy, she would let Olivia help her. If she didn't, that was her choice, and there wasn't anything Olivia could do about it.

Alex started crying again as soon as Olivia left the room, and got off the bed. She crawled over to the closet and curled up in a ball, trying to make herself invisible. She'd just alienated Olivia, again. Olivia, who was being so good to her, even now. She was just trying to help. She didn't understand how difficult it was for Alex to let _anyone _touch her, even if the touch was gentle – and Olivia's at this point wasn't. She was trying, but still, the antiseptic stung, and the cream burned her already tender breasts. And she was terrified to let even Olivia touch between her legs. Olivia used to think she was so beautiful, and now she was ugly. Broken. Olivia would never look at her again and see a beautiful woman, or see her as an equal. She would always be this damaged, ugly shell of who she once was.

Olivia came into the bedroom about twenty minutes later, her jaw set, determined not to fight this out right now. She softened when she saw Alex curled up on the closet floor again, and knelt down beside her girlfriend. "Alex," she said, softly but firmly. Alex's frightened eyes darted up to meet hers, and when she was sure she had Alex's attention, Olivia continued, "We need to talk. Come sit on the bed with me, please."

She held out her hand to Alex, but the blonde didn't take it. Instead, she bowed her head and murmured, "Yes, ma'am," then got to her feet and sat down on the bed.

Olivia sighed. "Alex, you don't have to call me _ma'am_." Then she stopped, realizing this would be futile, and it wasn't what she needed to say anyway. When Alex looked at the ground, refusing to meet her eyes, she said, "Look at me, Alex." The blonde obeyed, and Olivia continued, "I'm going to show you how to clean your injuries yourself. If you want to, you can do it yourself, and if you need my help you can come get me. But ultimately, it's your body, and I'm not going to violate you any further by forcing you to let me touch you. Dr. Stoll said your injuries will get infected if they aren't cleaned, but I'm not going to force you to submit to something that makes you uncomfortable. It's your choice. Right now, though, I'm going to show you how to do it for yourself, and then you can decide whether you'd prefer to clean them, or whether you'd prefer me to clean them, or whether you want to just leave them be."

She showed Alex how to put the cream on her breasts, how to take care of the injuries on her stomach, and finally how to clean between her legs.

"I can't show you how to do the ones on your back – if you want me to, I'll do that for you. But as I said, I'm not going to hold you down."

When Alex didn't respond, Olivia sighed again. "Breakfast will be ready in a couple minutes. You can come into the kitchen when you're ready." She got up and left the room.

Alex began to cry again. Why was she so upset now? She'd gotten what she wanted – Olivia wasn't going to touch her. But she _wanted _Olivia to touch her, just not like that. She wanted Olivia to hold her, to hug her, to kiss her, to love her. She just didn't want Olivia to hurt her, however inadvertently. But now, she'd ruined _everything_.

Four weeks ago, she'd just been a normal woman looking forward to a life with her girlfriend, whose biggest worry was whether or not she'd win a difficult case. How could things have gone so wrong?

**Review for chapter thirteen!**


	13. Chapter 13

Olivia retreated to the kitchen, needing to get away from Alex, so she could pretend that everything was normal between them. She hated herself for speaking so harshly to Alex – Alex was doing her best. She couldn't help her fear, or her pain. It wasn't her fault, and now Olivia was punishing her for it, however unintentionally.

She could hear Alex crying in the other room, and she sighed. She wasn't sure whether or not Alex would want it, so she just did what felt right. She went back into the bedroom and sat down on the bed beside Alex. "It's okay, princess," she murmured, lightly stroking Alex's hair. She took her girlfriend into her arms and pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of her head.

Alex curled into Olivia and let the detective soothe her tears. She buried her face in Olivia's shoulder and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend's neck. "I – I'm sorry," she whimpered.

"Shh, sweetie." Olivia smoothed Alex's hair and held her close. "You didn't do anything wrong. _I'm _sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. It's just . . . frustrating . . . when you're upset and you won't let me help you. I know it's not your fault, but . . . it scares me, Alex. And I think it scares you, too. I don't want to violate you, or force you to do anything you don't want to do. But at the same time, you're hurting, and all I want to do is help. So tell me what to do, and I'll do it. Whatever you need."

"I don't know," whispered Alex. "I'm sorry, Liv. I know you love me and I know you want to help, but maybe – maybe I'm just damaged goods. Maybe I'm too broken for you to fix."

"Don'tsay that, Alex. You're _not _damaged, not a single bit. And you're not broken, and I'm not here to fix you. All I want is for you to start feeling better, about yourself and about the world. I love _you_, and I always will, no matter what."

"Oh, Liv." Alex bowed her head and leaned into Olivia, wetting her shirt with her tears. "You're too good for me. I'm breaking you. I'm trying to be good, but – I don't deserve you."

"Sweetie, I just want you to be happy, and I'll do whatever it takes to help you get there. That's all."

"But maybe it's too late."

"It _isn't _too late for us, Alex. I promise, I'll be here for you every step of the way."

"But, Liv, it's too late for me. I don't want to hurt you, and that's all I'm doing."

"That's _not _true, baby."

"But – but why?"

"Because I love you, Alex," Olivia said simply. "And that's enough for me."

Alex sighed and pulled out of Olivia's embrace. "I'm afraid," she whispered, hardly daring to voice the words.

Olivia slid over so she was sitting next to Alex again. "What are you afraid of, baby?"

Alex's words were barely audible, but still they tugged at Olivia's heartstrings. "That you'll leave me."

"Sweetheart, I'm not going to leave you. I love you, and I will be here for you no matter what."

"But – but I'm not beautiful anymore."

Olivia lifted Alex's chin and looked right into her eyes. "You're beautiful to me."

**Review for chapter fourteen!**


	14. Chapter 14

That night before bed, Alex tried her best not to struggle as Olivia cleaned her up. Olivia was as gentle and as patient as she could possibly be, making sure not to hurt Alex any more than was absolutely necessary and murmuring soothing words as she worked. She stopped intermittently to stroke Alex's hair and ask her if she was all right, and each time Alex nodded and said she was fine. She clenched the comforter in her fists and squeezed hard when Olivia touched a particularly sensitive spot, but she stayed still.

When Olivia was done, she helped Alex into loose pyjamas and took the blonde into her arms. "I am so, so proud of you," she whispered against the crown of Alex's head. "I love you, princess."

"I love you, too," said Alex quietly, and Olivia's heart soared.

* * *

Olivia woke up at 2:38 to find Alex shaking her arm. "Liv," she whispered, eyes wide with fear. "Did you hear that?"

"Mm?" Olivia rubbed her bleary eyes. "Did I hear what, baby?"

"The alarm. It beeped, like the door was opening, or a window."

Olivia slipped out of bed, silent but swift. "Stay here," she said in an undertone. "Don't move. I'm going to check it out."

"No!" cried Alex, grabbing Olivia's arm again. "Stay with me."

They both froze when they heard an unmistakable crash, like something was falling on the floor. Alex immediately began to tremble, and Olivia kissed her forehead. "Call 911," she said quietly, pressing her cell phone into Alex's hand. "Lock the bedroom door behind me." She reached for the gun on her bedside table. "Don't worry, baby. I'll be okay. Just do what I said."

Alex nodded, her hands shaking so hard that she could barely dial the numbers, but she managed.

Olivia crept out of the bedroom, closing the door behind her. Gun at the ready, she tiptoed toward the kitchen, where the sound seemed to be coming from. "Police!" she said as she turned the corner, raising her weapon, but the room was dark and empty.

The window, however, was open just a little, and she saw that a cup had fallen from the table and shattered, probably from the wind. Olivia carefully examined each corner of the room, but no one was there.

There was a knock on the door and she froze, then relaxed when she realized it was probably the police. "It's a false alarm," she told them. "I've secured the area. It was just a window – I probably didn't close it properly."

One of the police officers nodded. "Do you want us to come in and double check?"

Olivia thought for a moment. It couldn't hurt. "Okay," she agreed, and watched as three police officers combed her apartment, checking for intruders but finding none.

They left after a few minutes, and Olivia breathed a sigh of relief. Then she remembered Alex, and raced back to the bedroom. She knocked gently on the door.

"Alex, it's me. It's okay. It was just a false alarm."

Alex didn't respond, and Olivia sighed and turned the doorknob. She frowned when she realized it was unlocked, and her heart began to race. What if the intruder had somehow gotten past her and slipped into the bedroom? What if he had gotten to Alex? What if that had been his objective all along?

Olivia's heart stopped for a moment when she entered the room. It was empty. She was about to call the police again when she heard a quiet whimper. Alex was curled up in a ball beside the bed, silent tears falling from her eyes, trembling.

Olivia took Alex into her arms, and Alex flinched, but allowed Olivia to pull her back up onto the bed. She gently stroked Alex's hair, rocking the blonde back and forth. "It's okay, baby," she whispered. "You're safe. It was just the window. One of us must not have closed it properly. It was the wind."

Alex buried her head in Olivia's chest. "I was so scared," she whimpered.

Olivia's heart constricted. "I know you were, princess, and I'm sorry. But it's all right. It's just us here, see?" She gave Alex a smile. "Next time I'll make sure the window is fully closed."

Alex nodded, but she couldn't quite manage to fall back asleep after that. Olivia just held her and stayed up with Alex, soothing her intermittently, comforting her with her presence until morning.

**Review for chapter fifteen!**


	15. Chapter 15

Two weeks later, after an uphill battle of thinly veiled pain and fear, Alex made up her mind about something. She needed to get better. She needed things to go back to the way they used to be. And there was only one way to do that.

"Liv," she said one night, while they were lying in bed together. "I want you to touch me."

Olivia searched Alex's face for any sign of uncertainty. Finding none, she asked, "Are you sure this is what you want?"

Alex nodded, her eyes imploring. "Please?"

Olivia held Alex's gaze, but found no hesitation in her crystal blues. Finally, she nodded.

Alex was trembling as she pulled down her pants and panties, although whether from fear or arousal Olivia wasn't sure. She spread her legs wide and waited.

Tentatively, Olivia kissed Alex's neck. When Alex didn't stop her, she continued to kiss her way down Alex's body - as gently as she could, because she knew Alex was still in pain.

When she reached the apex of Alex's thighs, she glanced once more at Alex before blowing gently on the sensitized nub, unsure if even the smallest touch this would be too much.

It was. Alex snapped her legs closed, shaking, clearly from fear. She whimpered and squeezed eyes shut.

Olivia sighed and pulled back. "It's okay, Alex. You're not ready yet."

Alex's baby blues filled with tears, practically begging Olivia. "Yes, I am!"

"No, princess. You're not. That doesn't mean I don't want you, or love you. That doesn't mean you're not beautiful. But I'm not going to force you to have sex with me. I could never do that to you, Alex, even if you ask me to. Don't make me."

"I'm not, Liv! I want this."

Olivia knew that wasn't so. She could see it in Alex's eyes, the trepidation flickering in those cerulean depths. "I will not rape you, Alex," she said firmly. "I will never rape you. Not tonight and not ever. Do you understand?"

Alex began to cry. "That's not what I –"

"Yes, baby, it is. Maybe you think you have to be punished, or that you have to please me, but you're wrong. Alex, I could never take pleasure from raping you."

Alex's eyes widened in horror as she realized just what she'd asked of Olivia. "Oh, my God, Liv. I'm sorry!" She started to rock back and forth, repeating the words until they became a litany. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Olivia put a hand on Alex's back to still her. "It's okay," she said quietly.

"Please don't be angry –"

"I'm not angry. Not at you. I could never be angry at you."

"Never?"

"Not over this."

Alex wiped at the tears brimming in her eyes. She took a deep breath and crawled over to Olivia, who was sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for Alex to calm down. As she had many times before for her master, she positioned herself over Olivia's lap, readying herself for the spanking that was sure to come. She squeezed her eyes shut and waited for the first blow.

Olivia stared at Alex in horror. "Sweetheart, I'm not going to punish you. You didn't do anything wrong. Not at all. And even if I was mad - which I'm not - I would never hurt you. That's _wrong_, Alex. It's not what people who love each other do, and I love you."

"But - but how can you forgive me if I'm not punished?" whispered Alex, her eyes wide with fear. "Please, ma'am, please punish me!"

And Olivia understood. This was all Alex knew. Trying to reason with her would do neither of them any good. But Olivia didn't want to punish Alex. She had done nothing wrong.

Instead, she tried rubbing Alex's back, but that only agitated Alex further. "No. You have to punish me!" Her eyes were wild now, feral, and Olivia wondered if this was a test. Either way, she would fail.

Alex was sobbing over Olivia's lap, and it was all Olivia could do not to cry herself. This was the only way her poor baby knew to ask for forgiveness, affection, _love_ that she already had, if only she knew it.

So her heart breaking as she did so, Olivia raised her hand and brought it down on Alex's upturned bottom. Alex's tears immediately stopped, and with a heavy heart, Olivia continued to spank Alex. God, this was hurting her more than Alex. She was hurting her girlfriend, her baby, her true love. She had never hurt Alex before. She'd promised mere minutes ago that she never would. Yet now, Alex was asking her to.

Finally, Olivia stopped. "Do you feel better, princess?" she asked, hating herself for what she had done as she helped Alex up from her lap.

"Yes, Mistress," said Alex flatly, kneeling at Olivia's feet, her eyes lowered. "I am yours, Mistress, to do with as you please. You own me, my body, my soul. I am nothing."

And it was only then that Olivia realized what she had just done, and the damage she had caused to her Alex.

**Review for chapter fifteen!**


	16. Chapter 16

Alex curled up on the floor beside the bed to sleep, and Olivia knew better than to lift her back onto the bed. Tonight, she was sure that it would set Alex off again, and she didn't want that. Instead, she cried herself into a fitful sleep. She'd hurt Alex, and she would never forgive herself for that.

* * *

When Olivia woke up, she found Alex still lying on the ground where she'd left her. Her heart broke just a little more when she saw the deep bruises coloring Alex's backside. Had she really hit her so hard? She'd never spanked anyone before, and she didn't know. Or was Alex just more sensitive, and bruised more easily than the average person? She'd never hurt Alex before, and she didn't know.

Olivia threw off the covers, disgusted with herself and needing to get away. Alex stirred at the sound, and large frightened blue eyes flickered up to meet Olivia's for just a moment before returning to the ground. Alex knelt at Olivia's feet as she'd been taught, her thighs spread wide, her eyes downcast, and her hands resting on her thighs.

Olivia swallowed hard. "Baby, you don't need to kneel." This was not going to turn into a repeat of last night. She wouldn't let that happen.

She held her hand out to Alex, but Alex didn't take it. She continued to stare at a miniscule spot on the ground, and didn't dare move from her position on the ground.

"Sweetheart, it's okay. Please. Come sit with me, princess." But she wouldn't force Alex. She wouldn't lift her or push her or hurt her. She would just wait.

Alex trembled as she got to her feet. Folding her hands on her head, she stood in front of Olivia and waited.

Olivia opened her arms, and Alex hesitated for just a moment before walking into them. Breathing a sigh of relief, Olivia held Alex close and kissed her forehead. She pulled Alex onto her lap, grimacing herself at Alex's wince of pain as her bruised bottom came into contact with Olivia's lap. This was all her fault.

Alex was shaking in Olivia's arms, and Olivia tried to soothe her, rubbing comforting circles into her back. "It's okay, Alex. I won't hurt you. I promise I'll never hurt you again."

Alex's eyes shone with fear as she turned to face Olivia. "I'm sorry, ma'am."

"No, baby. You have nothing to be sorry for."

Alex lowered her eyes in shame. "Please, ma'am, I didn't – I didn't mean to – I didn't try to make you mad. I'm sorry!"

"Alex, I'm not mad."

Alex shook her head and climbed off Olivia's lap. She lay down on her stomach and crossed her wrists behind her back. "I'm sorry," she whimpered, and tensed, waiting for the cuffs or rope or however her mistress wanted to bind her.

"Sweetheart, I'm not going to hurt you."

"No – no – you have to – I'm sorry! Please – please don't use – please, not the brander – I – please!" Alex protectively covered the scars between her legs and on her breasts. "It hurts too much!"

"Baby, I'm not going to burn you, or hit you, or hurt you in any way. I promise, you're safe."

Alex was trembling as she lay on the ground, still waiting for her punishment. She tried to be as quiet as she could, knowing she was upsetting her mistress and she didn't want to be punished any further.

Olivia knelt down beside her and held out her hand to Alex once again. "Alex, it's okay."

Alex whimpered and squeezed her eyes shut.

"Sweetie –" Olivia sighed. She realized this was a futile fight, and it was her own damn fault. Instead, she took one of the blankets from the linen closet and gently draped it over Alex, who was still shaking. "I love you, Alex," she said, swallowing hard against her tears. "I'm going to turn on a movie. You're welcome to join me if you want to. I'll just be in the family room, okay?" She got up and left the room, hoping Alex would eventually follow.

Flipping channels, Olivia finally settled on a show that she could handle watching, keeping the volume low so she'd be able to hear Alex if she needed her. All Olivia could hear was those same barely audible whimpers from the bedroom, and each one pierced her heart like a knife.

When the show was over and Olivia couldn't take it any longer, she went back to the bedroom and found Alex in the exact same position in which she'd left her, lying on the ground with her hands behind her back and crying silently. Olivia's heart went out to her, and she couldn't imagine how painful that position must be to hold for so long. Yet Alex had probably had lots of practice.

"Sweetheart, I love you," she whispered through the tears welling up in her eyes. "I'm so, so sorry."

Alex glanced up at her, then quickly dropped her gaze once again. "Please –"

"Please what, baby? I'll do whatever you need."

"Please don't hurt me." Alex started to cry again. "Please – I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to!"

"Alex, I won't hurt you, I promise. You didn't do anything wrong. Not a thing. It's okay."

"No – no – please," Alex begged, not seeming to hear Olivia. Tears continued to stream unchecked down her cheeks and she raised her hands to cover her head from the anticipatory blows.

"Alex." Olivia sat down beside her and gently took her hand. Alex flinched and shied away, and Olivia felt immediately guilty. She let go of Alex's hand. "Sweetie, can you get up for me? You don't need to lie on the floor. It's okay."

Alex was trembling so hard that her teeth chattered. "Please, ma'am, please don't, please don't, please – I can't – I'll be better, I promise!"

"You don't need to be better, baby. You're perfect already."

Alex bowed her head and didn't say anything as more tears leaked from her eyes. She hunched over again, as if ashamed of her body, and it made Olivia's heart clench when she realized that Alex was. She was ashamed of her own body and the way it had betrayed her in the past, and Olivia didn't know how she could help her.

Olivia took the blanket that had fallen to the ground due to Alex's trembling and gently draped it over her shoulders again, attempting to give Alex the comfort that her own touch no longer provided.

Alex curled her shoulders like a beaten dog, still whimpering. She rested her cheek against the cold bedroom floor and closed her eyes in shame.

"Alex, it's okay," Olivia tried to assure her. She took Alex's hand again, but Alex stiffened and cringed, her shivering increasing exponentially.

Olivia took a deep breath, trying to blink back the tears rushing to her eyes. "Alex," she said quietly, "do you remember when we went to Paris last summer? I think that was the best time I ever had, because I got to spend a whole week with just you." She glanced at Alex, who appeared to be listening, although her fear did not seem to be assuaged. "Remember how we went to Versailles, and I took a hundred thousand pictures of you in every single room? But I never actually got around to printing them out." She'd done that while Alex had been missing, to help her remember the good times and give her strength.

She went to her dresser and rummaged around for the scrapbook she'd created and sat back down beside Alex, opening the book. "Look, baby. There we are in front of the Eiffel Tower. Remember that Japanese tourist we recruited to take the picture?" She turned the page. "And here's us in the dauphin's chamber, and there's you at the fountain. And there you are in front of the restaurant in the gardens. Remember the crepe we had? Strawberries and bananas. It was good, wasn't it, sweetheart?"

Alex's fear filled eyes flickered up to meet Olivia's. "Olivia –"

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief. "Yeah, baby, I'm right here. What is it?"

Alex wrapped the blanket more tightly around her shoulders. "Please –"

"Please what, baby?"

Alex dropped her gaze. "It hurts."

Olivia swallowed hard. "I know, baby. I'm sorry. I should never have hurt you – I promised I never would. I'm so, so sorry."

Alex shook her head. "But I needed – I needed to be punished."

"No, you didn't, Alex. You never deserve to be punished, never ever. I know it's going to take you awhile to be able to trust me again, baby, but I promise you right now, I will never hurt you ever again."

"But what if I need –?"

"You will never need to be hurt, Alex, and I will never hurt you. I need you to know that."

Alex looked away. "But I'm not good enough."

"You are good enough, Alex. You're perfect and I love you more than anything else in the entire world. I am so, so sorry I hurt you and betrayed your trust, because you didn't deserve that. It will never happen again."

Alex began to cry, silently, and Olivia's heart went out to her.

"Come here, baby," she whispered, and Alex crawled into her lap. Olivia held Alex close and kissed her forehead. For now, at least, they were okay.

**Review for chapter seventeen!**


	17. Chapter 17

Olivia held Alex in silence for what seemed like an eternity. She was perfectly happy to have Alex here in her arms and never let her go, but she was immediately on alert when Alex started to squirm on her lap. Olivia closed her eyes in shame when she realized what was wrong. "Sweetheart, I'll get you some cream," she said quietly, and helped Alex to her feet.

Alex hung her head. "Yes, ma'am."

Olivia sighed, glancing at the redness accumulating on Alex's bottom. "You'll feel better after."

"I don't want to feel better," Alex whispered. She dropped her eyes. "I don't deserve to."

Olivia blinked back her tears. "Yes, baby, you do. You have to feel better." This may have been partly self-serving; she didn't want her baby to be in pain, but she also didn't want to be reminded that she was the one who had caused it. Every time Alex winced as she sat down and every time Olivia glimpsed her bruised bottom, she felt an almost overwhelming sense of shame. And she knew she deserved to feel this shame. She should never have hurt her Alex.

Alex kept her gaze lowered. "Yes, ma'am."

"Alex, you don't have to call me _ma'am_. It's okay. I won't hurt you."

Alex nodded, but she still didn't raise her head. Olivia understood that, on an intellectual level, Alex knew Olivia loved her and wouldn't hurt her. However, she still needed reassurance. She wanted Olivia to hold her and stay by her side and love her, but she didn't know how to ask. If only Olivia could show her that she didn't need to, and that Olivia loved her already.

Olivia found the cream she'd been using for Alex's other injuries and brought it into the bedroom for Alex.

"Come lay over my lap, baby," she said quietly. She wished there was another way to do this – she knew that especially in this position, Alex would feel helpless and frightened, but Olivia had to do it.

Trembling, Alex positioned herself over Olivia's lap. With a heavy heart, Olivia began to gently rub the cream onto her bottom.

Alex flinched as the cold cream made contact with her bruised skin, but she didn't make a sound. She tried not to squirm, knowing her mistress would punish her for it, but she couldn't help her intermittent whimpers.

Olivia felt as though her heart was breaking as she applied the cream to Alex's tender flesh. How could she have done this to her Alex, her girlfriend, her baby, her love? "I love you, Lex," she whispered as she touched a particularly sore spot and felt Alex shudder. She winced herself as she felt Alex begin to shake. "I'm sorry, baby. I know it hurts. I'm being as gentle as I can be."

"Yes, ma'am," Alex murmured, closing her eyes in shame.

Olivia concentrated on inflicting as little pain upon her Alex as she could as she finished with the cream. She helped Alex, who was struggling not to cry, to her feet. "All done, baby. You're okay."

Alex wouldn't meet her eyes. "Yes, ma'am."

Olivia sighed. She wanted desperately to show Alex that touch could be good, and tender, and loving, and she never needed to be afraid again. But she couldn't do that, because it was her fault that Alex was so fearful. She had hurt Alex. How could Alex ever feel safe with her again?

Alex was trembling, and Olivia handed her a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt. "Here, baby. You can put them on." At Alex's hesitance, she added, "It's okay, princess. I know you're cold. You can put them on."

Alex dropped her gaze and quickly put on the clothes, but she still couldn't stop shivering.

Olivia wanted to go to her and wrap her up in a warm hug, but she held herself back. "I'm going to make you some hot chocolate, sweetie. I'll bring it back to you in a minute."

Alex kept her eyes fixed on the ground and nodded slightly.

Olivia tried to smile and went into the kitchen to start hot chocolate for Alex. She found the white chocolate mix and added mini-marshmallows.

She brought the hot chocolate back into the bedroom and handed it to Alex. "Here you go, baby."

Alex took a sip and set the mug down on the nightstand.

Olivia sat down beside her. "Is it okay?"

Alex wrapped her arms around her knees and rocked herself back and forth.

Olivia placed a hand on the small of her back to steady her. "Sweetheart?"

Alex flinched. She got up off the bed and went to the corner, lacing her hands behind her head and standing as straight as she could, hoping her mistress wouldn't punish her. She hadn't meant to disobey Olivia, she really hadn't. She was trying so hard to be good.

She stiffened when she felt Olivia come up behind her. Olivia put her hands on Alex's shoulders and gently turned her around. Her eyes shone with unshed tears.

"Please," Alex whispered, pleading with wide, fear filled eyes for Olivia not to hurt her.

Olivia cupped Alex's cheek. She just couldn't help herself. "Sweetheart, I won't hurt you. I promise."

Alex dropped her eyes and knelt before Olivia. She put her hands on her thighs, hung her head, and waited.

Olivia sighed and held her hand out to Alex. "Come on, baby. You don't have to kneel. Come sit on the bed with me."

Alex obediently sat down on the bed beside Olivia. She kept her eyes lowered as she did so, and it took all Olivia had not to take Alex into her arms and hold her close. Alex looked so small and sad, so vulnerable and forlorn that Olivia just wanted to hug her.

"Are you feeling any better, Alex?"

Alex flinched but didn't answer.

"Talk to me, baby." Olivia was practically begging now. She needed to know that Alex was still here with her.

Alex wouldn't meet her eyes. "You should have just let me die," she whispered.

Olivia's heart broke for her. "No, baby. _No_. I don't know what I would do if you weren't here with me today."

Alex stared at the ground. "I wish I was dead."

"Alex – Alex, baby, why do you wish you were dead?

"I have to be punished. I'm bad."

"No, Alex. You're not bad. You're _not_." Olivia couldn't help but reach out to hug her girlfriend. Alex stiffened in her arms, but the resignation on Alex's face, and the fear, absolutely terrified her. "I love you, princess. I always have and I always will. Try to remember that, baby. Please."

Alex whimpered and pulled out of Olivia's embrace, curling into a ball and rocking herself back and forth.

Olivia sighed and lay down on the bed, pulling the covers over herself. "I'm right here if you need me, baby," she said quietly, taking a book from her nightstand and trying to read, although her thoughts didn't leave Alex, who was still rocking and crying softly.

Eventually, Alex's sobs quieted. Olivia still attempted to read her book, but she couldn't stop the tears that rushed to her own eyes at the sight before her. Alex just looked so _broken_.

After several long moments, Alex silently crawled toward Olivia. She wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist and curled up against her side, whimpering slightly as she clung to her girlfriend.

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief and put away her book. She held Alex close and kissed her forehead. "It's okay, baby," she soothed. "You're okay."

Alex's only response was to tighten her grasp.

Olivia gave her another kiss. "I love you, Alex," she said again, because it was all she could say. She hoped Alex understood.

**Review for chapter eighteen!**


	18. Chapter 18

Olivia woke up to find Alex curled up in a ball beside her, trembling so violently that Olivia was filled to the core with fear. "Sweetheart," she said as gently as she could, reaching out to touch Alex's arm.

Alex flinched and shied away, and Olivia closed her eyes in shame. She went to their linen closet and picked out a warm blanket, then went back to the bed and wrapped it loosely around Alex's shoulders. She pressed a kiss to the crown of Alex's head and lay back down beside her again, not sleeping, just watching over Alex.

Alex continued to tremble, wincing in her sleep as she rolled onto her back. Olivia instinctively reached toward her girlfriend to steady her, and Alex's eyes flew open, wide with fear.

Olivia put her hand on Alex's shoulder, attempting to soothe her skittish girlfriend. "Shh, baby, it's just me." She smiled weakly as she felt Alex's body relax slightly. "It's okay, princess. I'm here."

Alex looked at the ground, chewing on her lower lip for a moment before moving closer to Olivia, curling up against her side and taking comfort in the warmth emanating from Olivia's skin. She took Olivia's arm and wrapped it around her left side, cocooning herself in Olivia's embrace.

Olivia's heart swelled and she kissed Alex's hair, happy just to lie here with her Alex in her arms, relieved that Alex was finally accepting the comfort she was offering. She loved Alex so much, and she needed their physical closeness just as much as Alex did.

Olivia could feel Alex shivering in her embrace and wrapped her arms more securely around her girlfriend, holding Alex's gaze for just a moment to make sure she was okay. The touch seemed to soothe her further rather than frightening her, and Olivia gave Alex another kiss, tucking a strand of Alex's hair behind her ear, awestruck once again at how beautiful Alex was, and loving the soft smile that flitted across Alex's face at the intimate touch.

Alex snuggled closer to Olivia, that half-smile still resting on her lips, and Olivia cradled her head in her hands, looking right into Alex's eyes. "You're so beautiful, baby," she whispered, almost reflexively, then held her breath, hoping her words, innocent as they were, wouldn't set Alex off again.

Alex blushed and dropped her eyes, burying her face in Olivia's chest, but Olivia's words didn't seem to have any negative effect. If anything, Alex's body further relaxed, and Olivia couldn't stop the tears of relief that rushed to her eyes. She loved this so much, just holding Alex close, basking in the peace they shared.

They lay in silence for several more moments before Olivia felt Alex trembling again, and her girlfriend's barely-audible sniffles told her that Alex was crying. She gently raised Alex's chin and held her gaze. "Sweetheart, what is it? What's the matter?"

Finally Alex spoke, her voice cracking with emotion. Her eyes were filled with tears. "I love you, Olivia," she said quietly. "I care about you, which is why – you can't stay with me. You deserve better. You deserve someone who can treat you so much better than I can, and do everything for you that I can't. I'll just hurt you, and I don't want to do that."

Olivia's throat constricted. "Alex, you have _never _hurt me. Never. I love you, too, and you're all I want, all I've ever wanted."

"Oh, Liv, would you really have chosen this?"

Olivia searched for the perfect words. Not finding them, she finally said, "I would have chosen _you_."

"But this is me now, and I'm not the woman you fell in love with. I might never be that woman again."

"Alex, I love you for you, no matter what you can and can't do, no matter what you're going through. You're still the same person you were then, and I love you unconditionally, okay? Nothing could ever make me love you any less."

"I love you, too, so much – I want to be with you, but – but I'm not good enough."

Olivia was at a loss for words, not knowing how to assuage Alex's insecurities. Finally, she just held Alex closer to her. "Alex, please, don't worry about me. I just want to be with you, that's all. That's more than enough for me. All I want is for you to stay here with me, right here. And maybe let me hold you." She gave Alex a smile. "Is that all right?"

Alex looked away. "You're so good to me," she whispered. "You shouldn't be."

"Alex, I _love _you. Do you understand that?"

Alex still wouldn't meet her gaze. "I just don't understand _why_."

"Do you really want to know?"

Alex turned back to Olivia, her eyes revealing her vulnerability as she nodded.

Olivia tucked another strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "Okay," she said softly. "I'll tell you." She held Alex's eyes and cupped her cheek. "You're beautiful. Every single inch of you is so beautiful, and you always will be." She took a deep breath. "You're passionate. You always do the right thing, no matter what the risk, and you do it so _well_, for all the right reasons. You're strong. You've been through so much, and you're still so brave, and I love you all the more for that. I lost you once, Alex, and I can never let that happen again. You're too precious." She stopped and took a moment to compose herself. "You're brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Witty and just so smart, and everything you say amazes me. You're caring. You always put others first, even when you need things yourself – baby, it's okay to need others once in awhile. You're so independent, and I love that about you, but being strong isn't not needing anybody. It's knowing how to ask when you do need somebody. I love when you let me be that person, and when you put your trust in me – that trust is so special, baby. _You _are so special, baby."

Alex smiled slightly, curling further into Olivia. "Thank you," she said, her words barely audible. She took Olivia's warm hand in her icy one and gave it a squeeze.

Olivia kissed the crown of Alex's head, snaking her arm beneath Alex to wrap it around her other side again. She gently rubbed Alex's back. "Please, Alex, try to believe that I love you. I really do. I know it's hard for you to understand why, but please, try not to over think it. Just – just try to feel. Let yourself feel." She wasn't sure if this was the right advice or not, but it was all she could think of right now.

"I'm not good at that," Alex said ruefully.

"I know, baby, but – just try for me, okay?"

Alex nodded. "Okay," she whispered.

Olivia smiled and kissed Alex's forehead. "Ready to get up, sweetie? I can make us pancakes."

"That would be good." Alex looked up at Olivia. "Thank you."

"Important question for you."

A shadow ghosted across Alex's face. "Yes?"

Olivia brushed Alex's hair back from her forehead. "Lemon, orange, strawberry, banana, or strawberry banana?"

Alex smiled. "How do you make orange pancakes?"

Olivia shrugged. "I don't know, but I guess I could figure it out if you so desired."

Alex giggled. "Strawberry banana sounds good. I wouldn't want the stove to explode or anything while you try to figure out orange pancakes."

Olivia chuckled. "I guess you're right." She held out a hand to Alex. "Join me?"

Alex beamed. "With pleasure."

**So, a bit of progress. Review for chapter nineteen!**


	19. Chapter 19

They sat down to breakfast twenty minutes later. Olivia put a strawberry banana pancake on Alex's plate, which Alex just picked at, even though Olivia had made it small enough for her to finish.

Minutes stretched on in silence until Olivia finally said, "Alex, I think it would be helpful for you to talk to someone."

Alex moved a piece of pancake around with her fork and didn't look up. "You mean a shrink?"

"A therapist." When her statement wasn't met with a response, Olivia said, "You went through something traumatic, Alex. It's understandable –"

"I talk to you."

Olivia decided not to point out that Alex's assertion wasn't exactly true. "But that's not enough, Alex. I can't . . ." She trailed off, not entirely certain what it was that she couldn't do. She couldn't do _anything_ right now for Alex, and that hurt more than anything.

Alex finally raised her head, her eyes flashing dangerously. "You can't _fix me_? I don't need _fixing_."

Olivia sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "Alex, that's not what I meant."

"Then what, Olivia?"

"Then nothing. I don't know how to help you when you won't let me."

"I do."

"No, Alex. You don't. I'm not going to argue with you about this and I'm not going to force you, but I want you to consider it. I think it would help you. I want to help you, baby, but when you don't let me in, there's not much I can do for you."

Alex sat silently for a moment before saying softly, "Olivia, I let you in more than I've ever let anyone into my life before. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

"Baby, it means everything to me. I love you, and I know you have let me in more than you have anyone else. But I want to help you get through the trauma you've experienced, and I don't know what I can do for you except listen. A therapist might be able to help more."

"I don't need a therapist."

Olivia sighed again. "Okay, Alex. I'm not going to force you. But just think about it, all right?"

"I've already thought."

Olivia nodded. "Okay. Are you done eating?"

Alex nodded.

"You didn't like it?"

"It was fine. I'm just not very hungry." Alex chewed on her lower lip and said stiffly, "Thank you for making breakfast, Olivia."

Olivia smiled and gave her hand an affectionate squeeze. "Love you, baby."

"I love you, too," Alex whispered.

Olivia leaned over to lightly brush her lips across Alex's cheek before she picked up her own plate and Alex's and brought them to the sink. Alex watched her through wide, sad blue eyes. The deadened look in those eyes broke Olivia's heart. Was it just weeks ago that Alex's baby blues had sparkled as she laughed and shone every time she looked at Olivia? It seemed like it had been an eternity.

Olivia pulled a chair up beside Alex's and reached out to take her girlfriend's icy hands in her own. She brought Alex's hands to her lips and kissed the pad of each of her fingers, which made Alex smile slightly. After a few moments of just sitting in silence, Alex moved to rest her head in Olivia's lap. Olivia smiled and threaded her fingers through Alex's beautiful golden hair and pressed a kiss to the crown of Alex's head.

Alex relaxed into Olivia's touch, letting her girlfriend's soft hands caress her hair. Here, in Olivia's arms, she felt safe. It was a feeling she barely recognized.

Alex put her hand over Olivia's and Olivia immediately stilled her fingers. "You okay, sweetheart?"

Alex nodded and tentatively caressed Olivia's hand with the pad of her thumb.

"You want to go lie down on the couch?"

Alex nodded again and sat up. Olivia held her hands out to her girlfriend and helped Alex to her feet. Hand in hand, they walked over to the couch. Olivia sat down and pulled Alex onto her lap, cradling her girlfriend carefully in her arms. She didn't want to do anything to hurt Alex or make her uncomfortable.

Alex was trembling slightly as she leaned into Olivia, resting her head on her girlfriend's shoulder. Olivia wrapped a blanket around Alex, again being careful not to aggravate Alex's injuries, and held her close.

"Olivia," Alex said quietly.

"Yeah, baby?"

Alex sighed and buried her face in Olivia's shoulder. "Am I going to have to give my statement again? I know I didn't do a good enough job, I know I didn't –"

"No, you won't, baby." Olivia stroked Alex's hair in an attempt to calm her down again. "I promise, you won't have to talk about anything that happened to you to anyone unless you want to."

"Even the police?"

"I'll make sure you don't have to talk to anyone. Not the police, not a therapist if you don't want to, not even me if you're not comfortable." Olivia knew she shouldn't make these kinds of promises, knew it was against protocol, knew the police would want to interview Alex again. But she would do all she could to protect the woman she loved. She wasn't going to let anyone near her Alex, not yet, at least. Going to the police station to give her statement had been traumatic enough. Olivia wasn't going to put Alex through that again.

Alex leaned into Olivia's touch, appreciating their closeness, glad that Olivia seemed to know, instinctively, that she needed the comfort right now. "I want to tell you first."

"Alex, you don't have to –"

"I know. I don't want to talk now. I can't, yet. But when I'm ready, I want you to know first." She looked up at Olivia. "I do trust you, Olivia. I just can't talk right now."

Olivia nodded and kissed her cheek. "I understand, Alex. There's no rush. I don't need to hear anything until you're ready to tell me." _Or at all_, she thought to herself. After what she'd already learned of what had been done to Alex, she wasn't sure if she was ready to hear anything more. Hearing of Alex's pain hurt Olivia just as much as it hurt Alex.

Alex nodded, grateful that Olivia understood. "I love you, Liv. I just can't."

"I know, Alex. I know it's painful for you and I don't want to put you through anymore pain. I know you love me. Not talking about something traumatic doesn't mean you don't love me. I know you do. Don't worry, okay? Just let yourself be here with me. I promise, you're safe. I won't hurt you, I won't let anyone else hurt you, and I won't make you talk about anything you don't want to talk about."

"Then why do you want me to see a shrink?"

Olivia sighed, absently tucking a strand of hair behind Alex's ear. "Baby, I just want to help you, and I don't know what to do."

"You already have, Liv. Just being here . . . and – and holding me, and loving me. And that's enough."

"I just wish I could do more. I wish I could make things better for you. I wish I could take away all your pain. I don't like seeing you hurting, princess."

Alex looked away. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. It's not your fault." She held Alex close to her. "Oh, baby, I just love you so much."

"I know, and you – you make me feel so safe with you, Liv. I love you so much too."

"Even after –"

Alex winced but nodded. She didn't want to let Olivia finish that sentence. She didn't want to be reminded of what she had asked Olivia to do to her. She knew that doing it had hurt Olivia, even though it was what Alex had wanted. Every time she felt the soreness in her bottom and legs, she felt guilty and ashamed for hurting Olivia like that. She knew Olivia had never wanted to hurt her, would never have done that if Alex hadn't insisted. "I'm sorry I made you do that," Alex said quietly.

"You didn't make me do anything. I shouldn't have done it. I was wrong. I'll never forgive myself for hurting you like that, Alex. I'm so sorry."

Alex sighed and curled into Olivia. "Let's not talk anymore, Liv. Just stay with me, okay?"

"Of course. I'm not going anywhere."

**Review for chapter twenty!**


	20. Chapter 20

As Olivia noticed Alex's eyes starting to droop, she kissed her girlfriend's forehead and lifted Alex into a sitting position so she could slide her legs out from under her. "Let's get you into bed," she said quietly.

Alex made a sound that was somewhere between a moan and a groan.

"Come on." Olivia took Alex's hands and helped her to her feet.

"Liv –"

"Shh, it's okay." Olivia kept a steadying hand on Alex's back and held onto her other one. "I'm not going anywhere. You're falling asleep, baby. Let's go lie down in bed instead of on the couch. I know you're going to have a kink in your neck in the morning if you don't."

Alex nodded and yawned in what Olivia thought was the most adorable manner. She walked with Olivia to their bedroom and lay down on the bed, too exhausted to even take off her clothes.

Olivia smiled tenderly at her and sat down beside Alex on the bed. She lifted Alex's arms and gently removed her shirt, kissing Alex's collarbone as she moved to unclasp her rapidly fading girlfriend's bra. Alex whimpered slightly and rolled onto her side so Olivia could finish sliding her bra off.

Olivia took off her sweatpants and carefully folded them on the dresser. She rummaged around for one of Alex's nightgowns and slipped it over Alex's head, kissing her girlfriend's hair and shifting her on the bed so her head was on the pillow. She lay down beside Alex and pulled the covers over them, cradling her sleeping girlfriend in her embrace.

Alex made a soft noise of contentment and unconsciously rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. Olivia gave her a kiss and smiled, taking comfort in Alex's even breathing and the warmth of her girlfriend's body against her own. Alex was absolutely beautiful when she slept, and for now, at least, her sleep seemed undisturbed. Her brow was unfurrowed and her body was still in Olivia's arms. She was okay. Olivia would make things okay for her. Olivia would keep her safe.

* * *

Olivia watched Alex sleep for hours, simply enjoying Alex's presence and reassuring herself that her girlfriend was still with her, that she was out of harm's way, that no one would ever hurt her again. Olivia simply wouldn't let them.

Olivia gave Alex a light squeeze, and Alex whimpered again, but this time the whimper was far from content. Olivia held her breath, praying Alex wouldn't wake up. "Baby, it's okay. It's just me," she whispered, but Alex whimpered again and tried to roll out of Olivia's embrace.

"No," she murmured, raising her hands to cover her head.

"Alex, baby –" Olivia realized Alex was having a nightmare, and hoped she hadn't inadvertently set it off. "Sweetheart, you're okay. You're safe."

Alex squirmed. "Please, please, no, no, no, no, no, no, no –"

Olivia reached over to Alex, wanting nothing more than to calm her in whatever way she could. "Alex –"

Alex lashed out, catching Olivia's right eye. Olivia gasped in pain, but she put her own hurt aside when she realized Alex was still within the throes of her nightmare. She sat up and took Alex's hands in her own. "Sweetheart," she said calmly. "You're having a dream. It's not real. You're safe. I want you to open your eyes for me."

Alex's eyes sprang open, glassy and wide with fear. "No," she whimpered. "No, no, please, please, no! It hurts, it hurts, it hurts!"

Olivia kissed her forehead. "Alex, it's okay. I'm here. No one's going to hurt you. Look at me, baby."

"I – I can't," she whispered, still struggling against Olivia. "Please –"

"Princess, it's just Olivia. You're okay. I want you to look at me now."

Finally, Alex focussed her gaze on Olivia, the tension leaving her body when she realized it was really Olivia, that she was really safe. "Oh," was all she could say, and she buried her head in her hands.

Olivia gently stroked her hair, forcing herself to push aside her own pain and guilt over having caused this. She had to be strong for Alex. "That seemed like a really scary nightmare. Do you want to talk about it?"

Alex didn't respond, and Olivia kept threading her fingers through her hair until Alex finally raised her head. She gasped when she saw Olivia's swelling eye and lightly traced the skin around it. "What happened, Liv?"

Olivia bit her lip. "Nothing, baby. I'm fine. Are you okay?"

But Alex saw the answer written in Olivia's eyes, and she covered her mouth with her hand and pulled away from Olivia. "Oh, my God," she whispered. "I hurt you."

"You didn't mean to, Alex. You were thrashing around. You were having a nightmare."

Alex began to cry. "I hurt you." She rocked herself back and forth, refusing to be consoled as Olivia reached out to put a hand on her shoulder. "You're not safe with me, Liv. I don't want to hurt you again."

"Sweetie, I know you didn't want to hurt me. It's not your fault, okay?"

"No, no, not okay. It's not okay. I hurt you."

"Then we're even." Olivia winced at her own words. "I'm sorry, Alex. That came out wrong. I didn't mean it like that."

Alex didn't even seem to have heard her. "No, no, no – I can't – I can't hurt you again, Olivia."

"Alex, it was just a dream. I'm okay, you're okay, everything's going to be fine." Olivia reached out again to gently rub Alex's back. "That was a bad one, huh?"

"Yes," Alex murmured, dropping her eyes. "But I – I –"

"Alex, you can't blame yourself for this. It's not your fault. You were having a nightmare. You didn't mean to hurt me. I know that. Nightmares are _never _your fault."

Alex buried her face in her knees. "I'm sorry."

Olivia wrapped an arm around Alex's shoulders. "Princess, I would never blame you for any of this, so don't blame yourself, okay?"

"I know. I – I just –" Alex sighed. "It was a bad one. That's all. Nothing new about it. Except that I hurt you."

"Alex, I'm fine." She kissed Alex's forehead. "Tell me about your dream."

Alex pulled out of her embrace. "No."

"Okay. You don't have to, baby." Olivia held out her hand, and after a moment, Alex hesitantly took it. Olivia gave her hand a squeeze. "I love you."

"I – I love you, too."

Olivia gave her a kiss. "You're my princess, Alex. Don't ever forget that."

Finally, Alex gave her a small smile. "I couldn't if I tried."

**Review for chapter twenty-one!**


End file.
